Grieving my beautiful girl 💔🌈 Just lost?

Deefer 🌹

26/04/12 - 23/09/21

My worst fear came true yesterday morning..

My beautiful masstiff that I grew up with passed away, she had been having some issues with arthritis and was being medicated daily to keep her comfortable, but she was nine, just turned nine in April and had been getting worse over the past few weeks, she had good days..running, playing, just full of life and then she had days where she wouldn't leave her bed, I'd bring water and food to her so she didnt need to get up and we just loved on her all day giving her pats and keeping her warm. Vets said she was comfortable and just to keep up with her tablets, so we did. I'm 21 weeks pregnant with our second bub and had gotten up yesterday morning at around 3am to go get a glass of water from the kitchen and on the way back noticed my dog 'Deefer' on the couch with the cat she had grown up with 'Smudge', i sat down with her for maybe 10 minutes giving her pats and then wandered back to bed to sleep, I got up again at 8am and she was laying on our carpet...gone. It was the worst moment. we immediately checked her over for a pulse, nothing. I got her favourite blanket and my partner and I moved her outside before my toddler got out of bed and saw his doggy 'sleeping' but I'm just so stuck now, she's been taken to a pet cremation place, and even though were in a bit of financial trouble paid to have her cremated and asked for some extra memorial things for her like her pawprint, some fur of hers to shave off and keep and a photo box for her ashes costing around $500 but thankfully my partner and mum are super supportive and worked out a payment plan between them using my mums credit card so I could honour our girls memory and have a special place in our home for her but the house is so differant without her, no more tip tapping on the wooden floors, my son throws the extra food he doesnt want on the floor for her and now looks at me confused when he eagerly waits for her to come eat it up and when she doesn't he gives me this gutwrenching confused look like wheres my doggy mum? My cat is beside herself, constantly looking for Deef and meowing for her, i dont know what to do to help, if anything..

I miss my girl, everyone keeps saying are you going to get another dog? Theres no way i could, i would feel like I'm replacing her, a dog i could never replace, she was so gentle, so sweet, she was quiet and kind, a beautiful natured girl who was just the goodest girl.. especially to my son and I. She made me feel safe, i hate being on my own and have always had a dog with me, always had HER with me, as my mum always worked late when i was growing up and Deef made me feel safe, im now 21 and have had deef since i was 11, my partner works night too and he's got his first shift back since her passing tonight till 11pm and I'm dreading it, dreading the silence, the lonliness, just not feeling safe because shes not here, she would be with me everywhere and now shes just gone. I don't know what to do to now..

I miss my girl 💔

I just want one more Deefer cuddle 🐾