I’m posting this for a friend:

My mom and her husband took in a foster child that they knew previously to her needing a home. My brother and I are already in our mid-late 20s, and the foster child is 16. At first things were fine, and we brushed some of the drama and such off as a result of her trauma and her life being turned upside down. Now that it’s been over a year, things are harder to just brush off. She has lied to cause drama between my fiancé and me, lied to get in between my brother and me, lied to my brother’s wife (soon to be ex wife now), lied to my mom, told people our business that doesn’t concern her, told my brother’s wife all his plans for the divorce, etc…

My extended family doesn’t want to include any of us in anything anymore because they don’t want to deal with her drama and lying. Her own siblings don’t want to deal with it anymore. Her case worker knows she’s full of crap. She threatens suicide any time she doesn’t get her way. When the crisis center was called on her, she told them that I’m refusing to talk to her and fix things with her, and that’s why she’s so upset. I’ve had to stop talking to her and just be civil when I see her for the sake of my mental health, as it was affecting not only me (making my anxiety and heart problems worse) but also my relationship with my fiancé and with my kids. My brother also won’t talk to her (again, just civil when he sees her) because he doesn’t trust anything he says around her not to get back to his ex wife.

She claims she wants us to work things out and be “one big happy family” again, but we’ve already tried that, multiple times, and she just backstabs us again. She wants my brother and I to just put a smile on and continue like nothing has happened, but neither of us want to keep going through this. My mom feels torn, like she needs to choose between my brother and I, and her foster daughter. We don’t want her to have to choose, but we also don’t want to have to smile through the toxic behavior.

I don’t know what to do, I get that she’s only a teenager and I’m an adult, but I have my own problems and I can’t keep allowing her to mess with my mental and physical health. I thought only maintaining small talk when necessary was “being the bigger person” but my mom doesn’t think that’s enough.

What would you do in this situation?