Is my therapist right?

Question

I’ve posted before about my husband working A LOT. I went to see a therapist and I don’t know if her advice sits well with me. What do you think? I told her about my husband who is a business owner coming home anywhere between 7pm-3am. It varies. Sometimes, our baby and I sleep at his work if he has an early morning. He isn’t home often before the baby goes to bed. It’s hard. She said “do you see him working less?” I told her not really. He’s been like this since I’ve known him. Then she said “ok, we’ll this is going to put a wedge in your marriage if you keep asking him for more of his time and to work less and be home more more. He’ll see you as the nagging wife. So instead, find ways to create more time with him, like go have lunch with him at his work, etc” The advice didn’t sit well with me. She called me a nagging wife if I continue to tell him he isn’t home enough. I guess she sees that he won’t change so how can I change? What do you think?

Answer

She didn’t call you a nagging wife, she said you’ll be seen as one. 
Maybe not tactful but probably accurate. If his work situation is fixed and you have no power over that, focus on the ways you DO have power and control to create a situation that works for you.

Answer

She’s right. He’s been this way since you’ve known him, it isn’t reasonable to expect that change since you married him accepting this is how it was going to be. She may not have said it sugar coated but she was being blunt and honest with her advice.

Answer

I mean, unfortunately all you can do is ask him to work less if thats what you want, explain to him why its important to you, but if he cant or doesnt want to, if you kept asking then that would be nagging. 
If he cant / doesnt want to, the only 2 options really is do like she suggested and find ways to spend more time with him, or if its a real deal breaker for you then splitting up.

Answer

Yes, she is right. Keep in mind, she is the professional here and has most likely dealt with to s of similar situations. You told her yourself that your husband has been this way the entire time you have known him. You entered this relationship, marriage, and parenthood already k owing how he is and honestly you have no right to try to force him to change now after all of this time. Do as your therapist says, create ways to spend more time with him instead of trying to force him to work less. Go see him on lunch at his work. Plan things for you to do together when he is home. Is he the only one working? He could feel that working less would mean bringing in less money. Maybe get a job if you don't already have one to take some of that stress off of him so he doesn't feel he has to work so much. Your therapist did not say that you ARE a nagging wife. She said that he will see you as one since you have known how he is from the beginning.

Answer

She’s right

Answer

I think she is right. There is a reason that many marriages with self employed people don't last that long. My husband is like that once he is working there is no stopping him and even if I insist that he is around he isn't really here. His head is always in the business. Especially when they have a family to support it takes so little for a business to fail. What I did is I joint the business and now we spend a lot of time together in the business and I must admit that since I joint him I can understand him much better. The business just becomes a part of yourself at some point. Even when our kids were smaller I just took them with me to work, I understand that this is not necessarily possible depending on the business.

Is my therapist right?

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