Abuse

My husband has been physically abusive towards me since I met him in 2010. We never took counseling and he has admitted to being abusive. The last time he put his hands on me was in 2020 . He choked me out and his reason was because I threatened to call the police on him. I bring up the abuse and he acts like it’s nothing and I should be over it. I sometimes feel so suicidal and if it wasn’t for my kids I probably would actually go through with it. I cry all the time alone just thinking about my life and how abused I was and how it affected me. I don’t want to be a victim!!!! He says things like I have PTSD and he says things like well why did I hit you? What did you do for me to hit you? I’m so dumb because I know this isn’t right but I feel like everything is falling apart when we aren’t together. I pray he never puts his hands on me again. But he is so emotionally distance towards me and I can’t even bring up my feelings because he says I’m trying to argue. I feel like sex is just him getting off and there’s no love or passion. He says I’m emotionally abusive towards him by forcing him to talk about certain topics in our relationship. He says I’m verbally abusive because I get angry and yell when I am upset. I feel like I have so much tension inside of me from all the abuse I took at 25 and now I’m 35 and I feel like o am trapped. I pray that GOD removes the feelings I have for him so I can really move on with my life. I feel like I have no one to talk to. I’m so depressed