Not ready to date after an abusive relationship. Need advice?

Question

Is it normal that I’m not ready to date after an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship of 6 years?
I just can’t do it. I don’t have the patience. I’m not fully healed yet, but I’m lonely. So when I’m lonely, I vent to people such as my mom and she tells me how I need to just get out there and meet a man because it will make me feel better… I get on dating sites and I just hate it. 
I’m just torn. I have a 2 year old daughter who I don’t want to bring just anyone in her life, but I am so scared of missing MY person because I’m scared and have been through so much 🥺 
please tell me I’m not alone in this.

Answer

If you’re not ready then don’t try to force yourself to be ready. My ex fiancé was physically and emotionally abusive, as well as extremely manipulative. We were together about 5 years. After we broke up I had zero interest in dating. I had friends with benefits on and off but no commitment and nobody I opened up to. I ended up meeting my now husband about a year later and even then we were just best friends for about another year before I was comfortable enough with him to actually open up and we tried dating then eventually got married.
Don’t beat yourself up, it’s okay to not be ready.

Answer

no it’s perfectly normal, give yourself time to heal.

Answer

You’re not alone! I was with my ex for 5y, we have a 2yo daughter, I live in a dv shelter. I’m lonely asf I don’t have any sex but I’m really not ready for a relationship either.

Answer

That's totally understandable, and you should take your time. No rush.
If you are lonely, perhaps friends (or fwb) are an option instead. 
After my abusive relationship ended, I had a lot of weird phases in terms of dating, there are definitely times where I couldn't even care to look at people and the thought of a relationship was upsetting and sounded awful, and I physically cringe when people suggest I meet new people for any reason. And other times where I just wanted to crush on people but not really get too close.
 It's only 3.5 yrs after, but I think my relationship to dating has changed forever. It seems like I just can't make myself believe in lasting love anymore. I'm very self aware about things I wasn't before regarding my desires and attractions to people, and I'm a lot more honest about those things- mostly because I am just too damn tired to ever try to please someone more than myself. I'm just so much more tired or cynical regarding love and relationships- but also, more realistic. 
And I guess that's kind of strange because, right now I'm dating someone really good for me & it's a very healthy relationship, we've both matured a lot from that. My partner knows all of that & I know about their nonsense (they are a healing narcissist & they kind of use me as a self esteem surrogate), and we just accept each other for the weirdos we are. 
And we both want to be polyam soon, we just aren't quite ready. Obviously two people scared of people being polyam is a little scary for us, but the right thing for both. 
And I do already love another person too and they might even be interested & accepted me despite my being polyam.
So honestly, it seems kind of like I am about to live a dream I never imagined for myself, and I only really have the guts to be so honest now about what I really want & how I really feel because I lost everything in the past, and nothing else will ever be quite so devastating as that abusive relationship & it ending and how I felt after all that. I remember it was so hard to get through the days and I was so lonely, barely even knew myself, but I was in a daze for a long time where I couldn't even really focus to talk to people, let alone date. (I hear that's what complex PTSD does to your brain, you can't really focus, and I absolutely couldn't for like 2 yrs.) 
So yes, it gets better. It gets a lot better. When people say it makes you stronger, it really does, and I think it also teaches us so much about relationships, people and ourselves.

Answer

It’s very very hard to start dating after you’ve been in an abusive relationship. You really need to work on yourself and getting better and healing before you venture down that pathway or it can be very very difficult to adjust to a new relationship. I actually ended up leaving my husband having about a four week break and then moving on with my new boyfriend who actually rescued my children and I when the police wouldn’t help from an extremely abusive and dangerous situation. I have PTSD really bad and it’s hard to manage that. It’s really hard for someone who’s never been with someone who’s been through such trauma as well as to adjust to living with someone who’s been through so much trauma and the habits that you develop to cope. For example something stupid as I will sleep in bed with my hands flat because my ex would jump on my hands and break my fingers or do you know I’ll freak out over water being thrown on me so I stay away from water fights and stuff like that because when I was asleep my ex would wake me by throwing buckets of water on me at two or three in the morning because he wanted something from me. So you need to take time to heal and adjust or have a very understanding new partner. I was very lucky that mine was actually a friend for a long time first so I started opening up to him about my situation and how volatile it was etc where as if you’re starting dating completely brand-new it may not last sadly because that’s a lot to unpack for a new relationship

Not ready to date after an abusive relationship. Need advice?

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