** I’m sorry for typos. I’m trying to get this out before he comes home.

TRIGGER WARNING: R*pe and a*use

I have been with my ex fiancée for two years. In the beginning it was abusive but I didn’t recognize it because I was healing from a really traumatic experience and he gave me support. Now that I look bad at it, though, his initial reaction to that trauma was retraumatizing. Let me explain.

In the first month of us dating, I had a mi*carriage. I lost my glasses the day I told him and he made a joke saying, “that’s not the only thing you lost”. FUCK HIM!! The next year I found out, because I was being nosey, that he told his friends “I’m glad she had a m*scarriage because abortion is expensive”. We went to counseling for that. I learned that he reacted inappropriately because he didn’t know how to express his emotions and was relieved. Which I mean, I would have kept that baby and loved them with my whole heart and soul but I was not ready for a baby at 17.

Before I met him I was on tinder at 17 because of a manic episode (I have BPD). I was date r*ped. It came out months later after my then bf (now ex fiancée) asked me if I wanted to try something sexually (it triggered me and brought the memories to the surface). I told him what happened. We eventually tried to get his address so I could report the pos that did it to me. My ex ended up talking to the pos. It ended with him talking about how the pos has a better car than him, better job, etc. He was jealous. I sobbed and screamed at him for that being his reaction. He was really angry that it happened to me and wanted to go hurt the guy but then acted like this.

I was so vulnerable. I broke up with him. Against the advice of everyone, we ended up getting back together after two weeks. My ex has been assaulted before and grew up in an abusive household so I just forgave him for it.

The second time we broke up is because on Christmas I came back from out of town early to surprise him and he ended up yelling at me in the car accusing me of loving a man I was with sexually before him and speeding 80+ on the highway. I had to yell at him to stop and threaten to call the cops.

After that he went sober. All of these times were because he was drinking. He’s an alcoholic. He wasn’t drinking when he drove me btw.

We got back together after a few weeks because I’m an idiot.

The speeding and me yelling at him to stop happened multiple times.

Anyway, he’s been sober for a year and he literally genuinely changed for the better. We found God together. He healed most of his toxic habits. He became such a good person. It was like that for about 6 months, maybe. Then we moved in. Then things slowly started coming back. Then we got engaged.

The reason we’re not together now is because I was hanging out with my downstairs neighbor for five hours who is a WOMAN BTW!! and he was mad that I didn’t update him. He thought I fucking cheated with her!!!! I came home to him yelling and saying all of my explanations were irrational.

I’ve come to realize that he may be abusive.

I just don’t know why it’s so hard for me to leave.

Probably because I’m 19 and engaged and everyone has doubted us and guess what,, they’re probably right!!! I’m so embarrassed. I have my fucking wedding dress in our closet. We still live together!!

He’s going to AA every day now, he got on Depression medicine, he’s waiting for his first therapy appointment to start, he’s going to go to a support group for depression, he admitted he’s been abusive and apologized, he’s going to a DV intervention class, etc.

But I don’t know if I can forgive him.

I can’t even recognize myself anymore. I get ANGRY now! I get so mad at him. I’ve raised my voice. I’ve called him a dick and an asshole. I NEVER in my whole life have ever been this person before him. I used to be calm and good all the time :(

I asked myself: if he fixed everything and became the man you think he is, would you stay with him? Would you want to be with him?

And I honestly do not know the answer!!

I really need someone to talk to but I haven’t told my family or friends :( somewhere along the line I just stopped talking to them about our issues. Why is it so hard to leave :(( help :(? I don’t know what to do. I’m so young. I grew up in such a loving family. How did I even get here?

Where fucking looking for a house together!! What is wrong with me??

I’m starting group therapy for DV survivors next month :/