Porn advice

Yesterday I turned our laptop on to fill out forms for our son. The first thing I see when I open the laptop is porn. I was shocked and in disbelief. I took a picture of the screen and sent it to my husband and asked if we needed to talk.

Before we dated my husband had an issue with porn. He decided himself long ago, that he didn't want it part of his life. He had joined a support group and was a part of it for years and it kept him accountable. This was all him- and it was before we even started dating. He was open and honest with me and we talked extensively about it before we got married. Porn was never supposed to be a part of our relationship. I don't like it. I never will. We have been married for 8 years.

We talked extensively last night about it. He said it has been going on for about 6 months and the reason he started watching it again was stress. Our kids stress him out. Our 5 year old does not listen and does not stop talking ever. We are getting him evaluated for ADHD - but the first available appointment isn't until June. He starts OT in a couple weeks to see if we can get him some coping strategies because everything we have tried at home hasn't worked. (hence the forms I was going to fill out yesterday). We have a 2.5 year old who is very 2 and full of tantrums. So yes, we are in a particularly unfun parenting phase right now. I explained to him that he should have told me about all of this instead of bottleing it up inside. He was afraid that I was going to try to do more than I already do. So he slipped back into watching porn as a stress reliever.

I love my husband very much. For those of you who have been through this, how do I rebuild trust? How do we move on? How do I rebuild my self esteem? I will never compare to a busty beauty on the screen as a bigger girl. How will sex not feel dirty again? I currently do not want him to touch me or see me naked.

For now, this laptop will be hidden from him. It is the only screen that does not have a porn blocker app (that he chose to add himself to every other screen years ago). I don't care if that seems childish.

If you made it this far, thank you.

Also- this is not a discussion if porn is OK for you. It is not OK in our relationship and never has been. I will not entertain comments about how porn is ok and I should be ok with my husband watching it.