Today I woke up hopeful. I woke up happy that I was going to the doctors office to confirm that I was truly, finally pregnant after more than a year of trying. I am on this road alone you see so things hit a little harder. I read the posts and watch the videos, I give upvotes and advice where I can. But on this side of the screen my heart aches terribly.

I waited to start my family, hoping that G_d would bless me with my other half. But he hasn’t shown up. So I decided on my own to start my own family and whomever G_d sent my way would love me and my child. I was blessed with my daughter. My light and goal after over a year of trying. I cried when she was born, I cried when she grew up and started asking where her daddy was. Because all her friends were busy saying “daddy” she wanted to as well. But I couldn’t give her that.

I wanted to grow my family more and was blessed to meet a donor who loves to have children (you would think that men would be more willing to help women out with making babies, but the second they learn you want to be with them to make a baby is the moment they start acting like they don’t jerk off 15000 times a day). But my donor said yes! I was so thankful. This great guy, who loves kids and accepts my daughter and gives her someone to call dad, was going to help me grow my family.

So we tried and tried and tried. Until finally I fell pregnant. It was great! I was pregnant and was going to give my daughter a baby brother or sister. But then at my MFM appointment a few days before Thanksgiving my bean wasn’t there anymore and my world shattered. I was sent to the hospital to confirm my loss. To make it even more painful. But the worst was yet to come. I had to lay on that table as the doctor removed my little one from my body, while he AND the nurses in the room acted as if I was just someone woman who got knocked up and didn’t want her baby anymore. Treating me like my little bean was a mistake, and a part of me broke as I cried at them that I wanted this baby. I worked so very hard to get this baby. I had to go back twice because doctor “I don’t believe you wanted this baby #1” didn’t get all the products of conception. So I had to be mortified even more.

My donor, being the great man he is, said “we can do this if you want. We did this once we can do this again”. So we tried again and on Mothers Day I woke up incredibly sick (yeah I get HG every time I hold a pregnancy) so I tested and BAM pregnant! It wasn’t until my pregnancy was confirmed by an ultrasound did ww (my mom went with me) find out that I was carrying twin rainbows. Terrified out of my mind every single appointment that they wouldn’t be there I hoped and prayed just to make it to 25 weeks for viability. Every week they stayed inside me the longer I counted myself blessed and stressed. I welcomed my boys at 37 weeks(full term for twins) via CS. I was so relieved when they were given to me.

But now here I am, wanting to give my daughter the sister she so desperately wants and whom I would love to give her. I woke up just inside my 2WW wanting to know if I had finally after a year and some change of trying and 2 monitored medicated cycles had finally managed to conceive. So quickly those lines popped up, so quickly I was over the moon. I couldn’t wait to tell someone.

How I waited for today, the day when the blood work would confirm that I was indeed pregnant, but my moment didn’t come. I was told the test was negative, that they didn’t know why my test had said positive when it was negative and that we would have to start all over again once my monthly made its dreaded appearance. I’m so crushed. It was supposed to be such a good day…. Now to wipe out all the apps that show pregnant. To get rid of the you are this many weeks pregnant reminders that come to my email. Now is time to pull myself back up and start all over again.

I know G_d only gives us what we can handle, but man these tests are tough. I doubt anyone reads this I just really needed to vent. So thanks for that.