It’s almost 7am where I am right now. I’ve been up since 4am but really throughout the night because I’ve recently had our 2nd baby. He’s 2 months old and I am exclusively breastfeeding.

I’ve been through this season of motherhood before. The exhaustion. The neglect. The depression. The anxiety. The sleepless nights. It’s a lonely isolating feeling being the #1 caregiver. There’s absolutely no time for me. I sort of find where I can fit things in such as cleaning/laundry/dishes/shower… maybe even an opportunity to change my clothes. I definitely no longer have time for me because I am not making myself a priority and I lack the motivation to find time.

My SO and I have not been intimate since June or July of 2021. Now… Back story on that. Prior to our first born we had several pregnancy losses. I refused to have sex during that time because I was anxious about loss. The same time this pregnancy but also extremely sick the first 16 weeks of this pregnancy so wasn’t really “in the mood”

Anyways fast forward to now. 6-7 months haven’t had sex… have no desire to. We don’t even talk about it. We kind of just ignore it and be parents. My husband has been my best friend for years. We’ve been through so much (not our relationship but just life changes) and now it just seems like we share a home and kids together. I love him and grateful he works everyday to provide for us and I’m sure he’s stressed out as well

But how do I go about expressing my feelings so he’ll actually get it? I feel like I’m a broken record. I’ve told him numerous times about how I feel and how I need help etc. but it goes in one ear and out the other. He’ll agree I need to make me a priority etc but doesn’t help assist in making sure I get that. I suffer from anxiety so it’s hard to ask for “help” especially from a partner who sees me be a 24 hr mom when he’s only “on duty” for a few hours Of the day.

Again, I am not ungrateful and know he could very well being going through something too but he’s not communicating with me. If I ask, he just says “yeah work is stressful” … that’s about it. I never get details so I don’t know how to help him. I worked a career for 10 years in a specific field before we both agreed I’d stay home. And in the world of a pandemic it’s hard for me to even think about sending my kids to day care. UGh.

Longest post ever.