I’m 34 and have been with my man coming up on a year. I have unresolved PTSD from my childhood - exacerbated by my previous ex and father of my 3 year old son. I am also going through depression which I’m realizing I may have been grappling with for most of my life unaware. Due to my childhood I have countless ingrained behaviors I have been repeating since. I realized all of this over the past year with the help of my partner really holding up a mirror to myself and some brief counseling I attended. The biggest issue this has caused in our relationship is that of limited to no communication on my part. I try to keep the peace to protect myself (a lesson learned in childhood). This means if my partner asks me a question even as simple as hey do you want to watch Breaking Bad? And I’ll say ehhhh uhhh ok. When I don’t want to! Because I’m too tired to pay attention or would rather watch something else. I have deferred my wants/needs/preferences to that of the other person my entire life. I morph into whatever makes that person happy while I eat crow. When I have a negative feeling that comes up I don’t share it. I either hide myself away by leaving the room or the house or I become immobilized where I can’t move or speak. These are PTSD symptoms the hiding and the shutting down. Over the past year I’ve worked on managing my anxiety by avoiding caffeine, reminding myself I’m not in immediate danger (saying to myself I’m ok nothing is actually happening right now), paying attention to my breathing (slowing it down), I could not make eye contact during conversations so I practiced by looking at him and looking away until I could finally meet his gaze and hold it. The anxiety would feel like a weight on my chest, heart racing, sweating through my clothes, breath shallow, body shaking. Now the anxiety rears its head less frequently and with much less intensity. For my partner however these changes seem minimal. They are enabling me to be present for the conversation but getting to the point where we have the conversation is still difficult. Even when a situation arises I can see myself doing the wrong thing. For example the other morning I was feeling incredibly depressed and I wanted to communicate how I was feeling but instead of just doing it I sit and thought of what I should say exactly and then 20 minutes had gone by. My son started acting up and my partner was handling the discipline. I went into the room where they were because my son makes this awful noise no matter what is going on that sounds like you’re sawing his appendages off. Lol yea it’s not pleasant and when my brain is fried it makes me feel desperate like this awful sound needs to stop or I’m gonna implode. Of course my heightened emotional state did not make anything better. Then my partner gets frustrated with me because he has no idea what is going on in my head. Then I just disappear to the bedroom trying not to spiral in negative thoughts while also trying to figure out how to calm down, get words together, move my body back to him, and speak. When I finally do he is upset and rightfully so. He wants me to be open and honest and it’s like skinning me alive. Which is ridiculous because I WANT TO BE OPEN AND HONEST. I want to build intimacy with him but I can barely let him in. I have been living in my head for so long and now I have this amazing man who loves me and my son and I don’t want to destroy what could be the best partnership/relationship I could have. I’m going to make an appointment with my primary care physician in order to get a referral to a counselor. I also need to find one specializing in PTSD, childhood trauma, abuse, and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). I’m wondering if any of you out there have had or are having similar issues and how you dealt with them. I don’t want to go through my whole life never really connecting to anyone, ruled by emotions, negative thought loops, and self hatred.