It's been 3 months now and I haven't spoken to anyone about this, I found it all so traumatic but now I'm finally ready to talk about it and I hope writing this will help me heal. Its a long story 😂

So I already knew I had a bicornuate uterus which meant my uterus was heart shaped, baby was mostly growing on one side and there was a concern he didn't have enough room to grow properly and that he may get stuck during labour. The consultant advised me that as soon as my waters broke to go in for observation.

My son was due on the 17th December but on the 9th November I woke up my bed was wet, honestly thought I'd wet myself 😅 But when it kept leaking and filled a maternity pad I realised it was probably my waters and called for advise and got told go to hospital so I got in a taxi and off I went. Once there they told me to sit in the waiting room, I sat there for half an hour in a room with strangers with my waters still leaking, eventually overwhelmed with embaressment I went and asked to wait somewhere private and started crying.

Then they eventually moved me onto a ward, started doing observations and examinations, they confirmed my waters had broken. My partner left work and came to meet me. They sent us for an ultrasound, the ultrasound showed that there was plenty of fluid still around the baby and he was perfectly fine but very low down so they couldn't get proper measurements. They told me that most likely I'd be fine to go home and carry on the next 5 weeks.

Then I started getting what felt like period cramps, they wanted me to stay in for observation. The cramps got worse and they gave me steroid injections to help the baby's lungs develop just in case and antibiotics to decrease the risk of infection for me. My partner had to leave as I wasn't in active labour and it was past visiting hours. My cramps started getting worse, I told the midwifes and they hooked me up to the machine to monitor them but said they could see anything and told me to get some sleep. I had to remind the midwifes I was overdue my next lot of antibiotics. Then at 2am when I'd given up with trying to sleep I buzzed them again to say the cramps had gotten worse, they put me back on the machine, every time I had a contraction the baby's heart rate would drop, they assumed it was the band loosening and picking up my heart rate instead of baby's, but after they measured my heart rate realised that wasn't the case. They moved me to the delivery suite so I could be better monitored.

So now it's 6 am and I'm told I'm in active labour and I can ring my partner, he came straight to the hospital, by the time he was there the contractions were worse, a doctor came in to see me, performed an exam and said I was only slightly dilated, he thought it would be another 6 hours labour, but baby's heart rate dropped everytime I contracted and they didn't think he would make it 6 hours so csection it is.

Get into the theatre at 7.30 then at 7.33am 10th November my son Arthur was born at 34w5d. He weighed 1.925kg, they bought him to my head while I was still on the table and I gave him a kiss and they took him to the SCBU (special care baby unit).

He was kept in SCBU due to low birth weight, prematurity, jaundice and he had to be fed through an NG tube. They took me back to delivery suite, I couldn't stop shaking and couldn't feel my legs (obviously due to anaesthetic). They put me on a catheter and cannula drip. My partner went to be with our son and left me to sleep. When I woke up and wanted to see my son but they weren't letting me as I couldnt walk. Eventually they found a wheelchair and wheeled me over to the SCBU, the midwife who wheeled me over realised the fluids hadn't been turned on to drip so that was why I still felt terrible, they also managed to rip out my cannula while putting me in the wheelchair and then noticed once I was with my baby and wanted to take me back to fix it but I refused as I'd just got there.

So at 2pm I held my baby for the first time. Seeing my son under phototherapy was so hard and scary, he was tiny. I was so worried and so emotional. I cried constantly. Then they took me back to delivery suite, and put me in bed, I couldn't go anywhere as catheter was strapped to the bed so I couldn't just get up and walk. I couldn't reach any food, drink or my asthma inhalers. Eventually a nice midwife came, helped me shower and taught me to pump, my milk had come in straight away which was amazing. They let me stay in the delivery suite overnight.

The next day they took out my catheter and I begged for the cannula out so they switched me to oral antibiotics. This meant I could get up and walk to the SCBU whenever I wanted. All I did was pump and see my baby, later that day they moved me onto a ward where I was alone. I pumped overnight and took my milk to the scbu then went back to sleep. When I woke up I was surrounded by mums with their babies next to them and it was heartbreaking I couldn't stop crying. I kept missing my painkillers and missing food where I was between the ward and scbu constantly. My partner came and he was furious I'd been left like that but I understood there was nothing else they could do. They offered to put me in a private suite for 1 night but I asked to be discharged and the Dr agreed. So I went home and had to leave my baby at the hospital.

For the next week we visited every day multiple times. I hated the scbu. Its basically a room with 6 cots and 6 lots of parents with only curtains to separate you, no privacy. I cried constantly. Everything I did there was someone watching, showing me a 'better' way to do things and not letting me get to know my baby. I was barely allowed to hold him as they said he was tired and needed to rest for his next feed. Everyday was a challenge. Arthur's jaundice got better, but then it spiked again and then it got better again. He lost more weight as all babies normally do. The main goal was to get him to feed without the NG tube. He wouldn't breastfeed as he was too tired and it was a struggle to get him to bottle feed but we did it. The discharge condition was he had to go 48hours of bottle feeds without the tube but everytime we went home it was like the nurses didn't want to try so they just tube fed him. So I stayed overnight and did every feed myself and it worked. So when the Dr came round the next day we asked for discharge and he said no he wanted to weigh him again the next day, but we knew he'd still lose more weight as it had only been a week and it takes 2 weeks for them to regain. He said he would speak to another Dr and then he agreed for him to be discharged. But he also said he would lose more weight and he still looked jaundiced. It was like all the nurses turned against us, all the other parents heard what should've been private conversations and no one spoke to us. No one said good luck when we left.

Once we were home I was terrified, I wrote down every feed to the exact ml, we took Arthur for his check up at the maternity clinic 2days later, he gained a small amount of weight and they told me he should be having 600ml of milk a day but he was only having 300ml so I was still so scared.

2 days later it was back again to the maternity clinic. They weighed him and he'd lost 290g. They sent us to the hospital and my partner and I were arguing as they wanted to put him back on the NG tube. But luckily they weighed him first and realised the scales at clinic were wrong, he'd actually gained 80g. They also showed me how to calculate milk amounts for premature babies and the 600ml I'd been told was wrong. He was in fact drinking enough.

2 days later we went back to the maternity clinic, he'd regained his birthweight. I asked to be discharged due to the stress it was causing and for all future visits to be with the health visitor. They agreed and that was the last day I cried.

Arthur's now 3 months old. Happy, healthy and gaining weight constantly.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.