My son is 21 months old.

I tried for 11 years before I miraculously fell pregnant with him. I love him but he seems to really hate me.

Even when he was born he refused to look at me but would look at others and meet their gaze with no problem. If I tried or moved into his line of sight he’d move his eyes away constantly to not be looking at me and struggle and cry if I held him for very long but would sit there for ages with anyone else. I even notice it in the videos I took of him while we were at the hospital.

And others did notice too, it wasn’t just me. My husband and mother-in-law would tell him “you need to let mum hold you” or keep telling him “look at mummy. Look at mummy…” nope.

Well since there until now with him at 21 months not much has changed.

He won’t give me kisses or cuddles but will give them to his dad, uncles and grandparents. They are also allowed to hug him and kiss him or pick him up and hold him.

If I try he immediately pushes me away and gets upset. If I pick him up he will struggle and push me away almost to the point I can’t hold onto him sometimes - so… he’d rather struggle so much that I can’t hold onto him and he falls to the floor than hug his mother or let her hold him - wow he must really hate me!

The only time I can get away with picking him up or holding onto him is if I have to carry him eg up the stairs or something like that but he will get cross and start crying and struggling if I don’t put him down the second I don’t need to be holding him any more. And I need to be the only one around. If there’s anyone else who could carry him instead he’ll throw a tantrum if it’s me that picks him up and not them and ask to go to them.

Again I’m not the only one who’s noticed. Everyone around me ie his grandparents (both sets - my and my husbands parents), his dad, his uncles have all asked why he won’t go to me. I don’t know why.

I have tried to play with him and be patient and give him food and snacks he likes as well as cook meals he likes. Or let him take my food. I try to play with him with his toys or singing to him and tickling him and stuff. I take him out on my days off from work and try to spend all of my free time with him.

I try to talk to him and read his books to him, teach him words and what things are, go along with his nursery rhymes with him and teach him to draw with his crayons. Most I get is to sneak a kiss on the cheek while he’s distracted and then get pushed away as usual.

I’m sitting here alone in tears. I don’t see why he hates me. I’ve done my best to look after him and provide for him since he was born and tried to pretend it doesn’t hurt that everyone else is loved and keep playing and singing and stuff when my heart is breaking at the same time.

My husband just asked if I wanted to come with him to drop our son off at his parents as he will stay overnight. I am running a morning shift and he will be at work 9-17 so by staying overnight we don’t have to wake him up early for them to watch him while we’re at work.

I said no, there’s no point. I might as well do the housework. It’s true. We go round there, I end up sitting on the sofa for a few hours while our son plays with and interacts with anyone else and then just come back here. It’s the same there, if I try to play with him or pick him up/ hold him/ cuddle him/ kiss him etc he throws a tantrum and tries to get to anyone else and will just sit there with them.

I feel like giving up. Even my mother in law has said she feels bad when he goes to her because every time she tries to give him to me or tell him to come to me or play with me, he doesn’t want to. My mum asked why I don’t have many pictures of me and him together - because I can’t hold onto him long enough before he gets cross.

I don’t know what to do. All I have ever done is love him and look after him and try to be a good mum and he hates me