One Year Anniversary of Everything & I’m Terrfied

So last year I got pregnant and was due October 17. On April 5, the day after Easter, I got a call from my midwife that my NIPT results came back high risk for T21 (Down syndrome). On April 12 we had an NT scan which showed our baby had a Nuchal fold measurement of 5.9mm. We lost our baby at 14w and I had a D&E on April 15.

I am pregnant again due on October 20. They will draw my blood for the NIPT on April 5th at my next prenatal appointment. Then on April 8th I have my NT scan. My husband and I made dinner reservations on April 15th because we are trying to stay hopeful and positive that we will be celebrating good news on that day, while remembering our sweet boy we never got to hold.

I am terrified of the next 2 weeks. Terrified to see my baby on that ultrasound screen and immediately see something is not right, as I did last year and that picture of my baby is burned in my mind. The only picture I will ever have of him. I’m terrified to be awaiting NIPT results. I’m terrified to have to cancel dinner because we will be mourning another impossible situation and heartbreaking loss. I’m terrified my arms will be empty and aching again in October. I haven’t let myself feel even one moment of joy for this new baby because I’m afraid if I do, I’ll lose him/her.

Please send prayers and good vibes. Thank you. 🙏🏼