I need help.

I don’t know if posting here is the right thing to do, I just need to talk to someone. Because I have failed, I’m the worst mother in the world and I shouldn’t be here.

My husband and I had a great relationship years ago…but things changed after I had my son 5 years ago and have never been the same. We resent each other, he verbally abuses me in front of our kids. I then yell at him because I am so hurt and I feel nothing will get better. I just hate my life. Im 30, I do not drive, I do not have a bank account, I am a stay at home mom to a 5yo and a baby, I suffer from depression and panic attacks all the time, all I do every day is care for my kids, the house, everyone else but me. I have nothing to look forward to every day except that I at least have my children and marriage… I just can’t take this anymore. I am tired of being called names, being told I’m disgusting because of my weight, that I’m lazy because I did not do laundry enough, that the fights we have are solely because of me. Well I believe it now. I really am all those things. Because my mother called me today and told me my son a few minutes ago confided in her that he hates himself and wants to die. My 5 year old son wants to die. I lost it. This is the culmination of all the shit I have done. I messed up here. This is all my fault. I’m not worth living if I caused my baby to not want to live anymore. I can’t do this anymore, I have so much guilt. I can’t possibly fix this. I ruined my children.

I don’t know why I am writing this. I need help.