I am failing

I just can’t anymore. I feel so lost. Please read so I don’t feel I am the only person in this world.

Since my baby was born a year ago I know deep dow that I need help for my depression but every time I decide to go and ask for help I chicken out. Mostly scared someone questioning what kind of mother I am and this fear having my baby take away from me.

But I talked with my husband and I mentioned how he isn’t interested in my anymore, we had sex maybe twice since our son was born.

I have put on a lot of weight, my self confidence is non existent. But also when I ask he says he is tired.

Before attacking him, he does work long hours, physical job and after work he has something on the side to earn more money so I can stay at home. He was very gentle with me, trying not to hurt me but basically told me that I let myself go (not with those words). He told me it is not about my weight, I wasn’t skinny before (but I have a feeling that he is lying here) but more me not taking care of myself.

And I know he is right. I dont brush my hair most of the day, being in sweats every day. Even I feel disgusted with myself so I really can’t blame him but I was still so hurt.

In this year we maybe have on family photo because I am just so ashamed that this is me now.

Now he is sleeping and I am crying.

I can do all that, he is great with our son and will always watch him even if he is tired after work so I can do my thing but I just can’t bring myself to actually taking care of myself. There is always something more important.

I kind of have a feeling that I am losing myself and this marriage is not going to last.

He is doing more than enough it is me that is a failure as a wife and mom.