Separation in marriage?

Question

What are everyone’s thoughts on separation while married? 
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and we are constantly fighting. We had a huge fight a couple of days ago, and he said, “i don’t want to be with you anymore” to my face. I was HEART broken. He eventually took it back and said he didn’t mean it, but he has said this 2 more times in the last month and a half. He has trust issues(No reasoning behind them), and he has always treated me and our kids badly. He cusses at us, yells at us, and he gaslights me every day. He’s narcissistic. I can’t talk to him about anything without him turning the situation around and making me feel bad and making himself the victim in the situation. So, since we have these issues, and he said he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I suggested we take some time away from each other since he literally told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore, even though, he took it back. This has been going on for years, and I have offered marriage counseling, and he refuses counseling because “he doesn’t believe that other people can tell him how to be happy”. I’ve exhausted all other options to get this to work with him. I also am very understanding that I am not perfect by any means. I have some things to work on too, and that is why I suggested separation so we could work on ourselves and really dive deep in our issues and try to fix them. Do you think separation will help our marriage?

Answer

I think separating completely and getting a divorce is probably the better option because you were tolerating so much bullshit that you deserve better, no one deserves to be treated that way. You, your children, your happiness, your sanity, your well-being, all of that comes first. You were tolerating so much emotional abuse, narcissists never change, they have to be right, they have to get their way, nobody can be happy, get a loan try and change them, of course they don’t want to see a therapist because they have to be right, he needs to have somebody that he can abuse and take advantage of. And unfortunately he’s got it made with you, of course he doesn’t want you going anywhere, then he would have to pay child support, then people would know something is wrong, then people would know he’s not perfect, because I’m sure behind closed doors he probably makes out his life to be perfect for other people. It’s a totally different story outside of the house than it is inside of the house. He has an image to uphold, but he’s got it made you can do as he pleases, treat you like shit, you’re not going anywhere because he knows you don’t want to be alone, I’ve been in your shoes, eventually you get tired of the bullshit and want off the hamster wheel￼. Walk away for good, you deserve happiness, you deserve so much more than the crap you’re settling for. And so do your children. Figure out a game plan and get the hell out of there, I was going to say if it gets to the point that you’re ready for a separation, that you’re better off leaving all together because all you’re doing is delaying the inevitable, things are never going to get better, he’s never going to change, he’s only nice to you when he wants some thing, he knows you are emotionally attached and you’re not going away so that’s why he knows he can see as he pleases and do as he pleases. Break the toxic cycle and get the hell out of that house, or kick him out and sent him home to his parents. Go to the family court , Get yourself some therapy, all of you probably need it in our traumatized from this jack ass, get the custody and child support and divorce forms going. Everything, tax return refunds, daycare, school supplies, you talk about everything in there. Whatever you want you get it because you’ve earned it tolerating his bullshit.￼

Answer

I think separations can help temporarily but not in the long term. Eventually you learn to live without each other during a separation and in most cases i feel like people realize they are better off without the other. The only thing that will fix your marriage is him wanting to work at it and put in the effort to fix it if you both think its still worth salvaging. But with situations like this is it really something that is so important to you that its worth being treated like this? Can you work past him saying those things to you and treating your kids poorly?

Answer

Separation will not change his narcissism, which will almost certainly devolve into abuse if he doesn’t seek individual counseling to help get himself some better coping skills. I think separation can work IF and only if BOTH people are willing to abide by whatever rules you both agree on and work on self-betterment.

Answer

I don’t see how a separation will actually change anything in the long run. I feel like it can only make things worse. If you are at this point and he doesn’t want to work on it, it’s time to end it permanently.

Answer

Give him EXACTLY what he wants, LEAVE his ass!!!! Believe words that come out of ppl’s mouth, especially if it was said several times. Take you and the kids elsewhere and focus on y’all. Leave him with absolutely nothing (meaning love, care, nurturing, etc from you and the kids). Don’t teach your kids to hate/dislike him even though I’m sure they see it for themselves. But focus on getting y’all together and pray that another man will come in the pic and love you and your kids so much. There’s always someone out there. Praying for you 💕

Answer

Of course any 2 people can get along better when they dont see each other much. I can get along with pretty much anyone from afar, that doesnt mean I could live with them. But then what? Youll think things are better, get back together, enjoy the honeymoon for awhile, then conflict will inevitably arise again, then back to square one. I was a domestic abuse counselor for 12 years and saw couples repeatedly get back together because they separated and 'now things are better' except nothing was actually resolved, they simply fought less because they had very little contact. If he wont go to counseling to actually do the work to change (theres a deep reason hes like this, that isnt easily fixed), I think you need to divorce.

Separation in marriage?

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