I just took my very first sick day off of work, ever, last week.

Actually, I took the entire week off.

This is going to be a very difficult thing to confess, so to any of you who read it, thank you!

The week off came about because I have chronic low blood pressure and a simple respiratory infection absolutely whooped me. I passed out while doing the dishes on Tuesday and I eventually had to be hospitalized.

I don’t know what it is about me, but my entire career, I’ve felt like I had’t deserved to be where I was. First internship? “I probably only got hired because my shirt was low cut.” First job? “They’re desperate.” First promotion? “They probably need a demographic boost and did this because I’m a woman.” Today? “They’re only keeping me because I don’t take time off…”

Every now and again someone talks to me like I’m an idiot. I’m in a male dominated field. It happens to most women, racial minorities, lgbtq folks, disabled people, ESL talent— but despite telling myself this, I still believe that I deserve it.

Then to tell my team “I can’t complete this project this week; I’m sick and going to to the hospital,” felt like the biggest failure of my life.

I thought, at one point in my career, that putting my head down and climbing the corporate ladder would fix my inadequate feelings, but the self-doubt and -hatred only got worse.

Promotion after promotion, raise after raise, praise after praise… I STILL don’t feel good enough, and instead like I’m an imposter.

I was sitting in the hospital Wednesday checking my emails, work chats, task lists… OBSESSIVELY trying to get up to speed. Why was I more worried about missing work than I was about possibly neglecting my health?

I have a beautiful home, my kids are in the best schools we could find, we have no debt and no financial stress (generally speaking) and I know that I’ve played a pivotal role in getting there… but STILL nothing feels good enough.

My boss texted me while I was in the hospital to ask if i needed anything. He urged me to rest, to stop thinking about work, but I couldn’t help but think:

“Maybe he saying this because he sees that I’m anxious… and therefore incompetent? Or maybe… maybe I’m not even needed on the team at all! I’m replaceable! Maybe he doesn’t care whether or not I return because they’ve been planning to fire me! Will he give my projects to someone more qualified to lead them than I am? Did these sick days give them the clarity they needed to see that I can’t do this? …that I’m not worth their trouble?”

My therapist has worked for me for 6 years and has poked and prodded and my imposter syndrome symptoms during the entirety of that time. She’s even had me complete tailored journal exercises to help me subdue it. I frequently share my workplace accomplishments with her. They’re always followed by an admission that I’m always “emotionally prepared to lose my job.”

I’m not, though. I couldn’t live off of my husband. I trust him more than anyone, but I trust NO ONE enough to be financially reliant. I also honestly love working and I love knowing that no matter what happened with us, our girls would have everything they need.

She [my therapist] visited me at the hospital and suggested I give my husband my work computer to take home so that I couldn’t access it. It was nice at first, you know, breathing— but why did I so quickly feel like I was letting my family down when I wasn’t spending every slight burst of energy on work?

Today, I’m about to go back to work. Why am I so humiliated and guilty [for taking a week off while sick] to the point where the thought of returning to work in a few hours is terrifying?

How can I stop feeling like every day of work is tightrope walk above a delusional pit of poverty? Of failure?

How can I find a way to see myself as a good mother and wife without tying every bit of my worth to my job performance?

How can I get to a point where I can tell myself “you’re doing a good job?”

If you also struggle with imposter syndrome, what do you do when even the *big job* and *big money* and *great therapist* and *best medication* still don’t ever help make you feel like you’re enough?