I had a miscarriage on 6/22 after trying to get pregnant for 7 years, 7 years ago my husband and I had a ectopic that ruptured lost my tube etc and have tried ever since we gave up hope and just stopped trying and then it happened out of nowhere completely unaware. I still remember being so nervous to go look at the digital test for fear it would say no even though every other test said yes and my husband looking and telling me to close my eyes so he could hold it up and hearing him say open your eyes momma. Just for it all the be ripped from me 7 years of pain and wanting and wishing and praying. After the ectopic I used to say all the time the baby would’ve been fine if it was in the right spot and not the harsh reality of that doesn’t even matter. I feel like a fucking failure, I can’t even with the amount of hate I have for myself. Miscarriage was never even a fear only ectopic. I don’t even know why this happened I understand science and something was probably wrong blah blah blah that doesn’t make it better, it doesn’t make this hurt any less. It doesn’t change the fact that not once but twice now I have failed my husband and caused him pain by losing our babies. Even though he says it’s not my fault and I did everything right, I can not even right now and having to go to my doctors once a week to do my blood draw until my hcg returns to normal isn’t helping it makes it worse having to see couples happy and clearly pregnant. And the amount of jealousy I feel seeing then knowing their bodies didn’t fail them then thinking I don’t know their story. I feel crazy because I have so many emotions and I feel up and down. I got the ok from my dr already so we’ve been trying again but now I’m like is it a good idea what if I have another miscarriage. This is my second I had one at 18, and then the ectopic fear. I’m 33 my husband is 43 and doesn’t want to be in his 60’s with a young child he has adult children but he wants a baby with me but I understand that’s a time frame because he’s getting older and wants to be able to run around with a toddler but then enjoy retirement as well. Idk I just needed to vent sorry for this probably super crazy sounding rant. All i know is I’m angry I’m hurting and I don’t know if this is normal