So I’m just gonna warn any readers ahead of time I’m venting and this has talk about rape and depression tw ⚠️.

You know that saying wounds only heal with time. Yeah, f that. I was raped by my boyfriend (who was also narcissistic) in 2019. I thought by now I was a lot better. I honestly thought I was. I thought I was ready for another relationship considering it’s been three years. Well I guess not. I went to an event with my friend yesterday, it was a country music event with dancing. I’m not much of a dancer and part of me really didn’t want to go. I did my hair and makeup which I don’t often do and went anyways. I love my friend and she is the only person I feel like I can connect with and I trust her. She wanted to go and I thought it would be nice to spend more time together before I leave for college again. Once we got to the event I ended up almost having what I believe was like an anxiety attack or something. I had a headache, which might have played a part in it but I ended up having massive hot flashes, trembling, it was difficult to talk, and sometimes it felt and looked like the room was morphing/spinning. I ended having to step outside. I didn’t tell my friend what was racing in my mind but the whole time all I was thinking was “I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want people to touch me.” There was a lot of partner dances considering it was a bluegrass event. I don’t understand why I did this because I thought I was over all of this. I have struggled with a bit of depression since the rape occurred and I have had issues with some social anxiety but never this bad. The only way I know I could be in a relationship right now is if I took everything really really slow and explained what I’ve been through. However, I have a bit of fear in doing so. The last guy I told he ghosted me and still to this day won’t speak to me. I guess I really do need to see a therapist. I just thought I could deal better with it on my own but by experience all this pain does is dig deeper into my being and cause new problems. I’m sick of this rape and sa that I went through controlling me. I just want to move on. I want to be me again.