Just need somewhere to talk about it.

A little information for the story.

Me and my husband have 4 kids. 2 are from his first marriage and we have had 2 together. In order of their age, its boy(12) girl(10) boy(5) boy(8m). I came into my bonus kids life when they were 18m and 3yrs. We were really hoping that our 4th child would be a girl but we wouldn't change our boy for nothing now. pregnancy is apparently a hard thing for me to go through. Had preterm labor with both. My hubs got a vasectomy at my request after our fourth and final kiddo.

My bonus kids mom is a great mom and I have always respected her role as their mother. I know that there will be certain milestones that I will have to sit back and observe from my position in my bonus kids life. And I respect that.

Now onto my story

So yesterday I admitted to my mom and my grandma that I go through periods of sadness that I will never have a daughter of my own. I have saved baby clothes that my grandma made me when I was a baby. I've always wanted to dress up my little girl in bows and little cute dresses. And I wanted to have someone that people say "Oh you are just like your mama".

I

told them I'm currently going through a little low period, about my disappointment in never getting my little girl.

It also doesn't help that I was mildly bullied my whole pregnancy for not getting pregnant with a girl but we won't get into that 😒

Well today and a few days this week, I have been feeling under the weather and was telling my mom about it and she asked if I was pregnant.

I said "I hope not!"

She goes "Why not?"

And I told her it would be stressful for us if we had another baby. And that I don't know if my body could handle another pregnancy.

And then she said it.

"Well.... what if it's a girl?"

😔 😔

She continued to go on and on about baby girl names. And when I politely said I needed to get off the phone, she said "Well I'm going to be obsessing about your baby girls name now"

And I'm sad. Because I have a week before my period starts. And now that thought will be stuck in the back of my head.

"Well, what if I am pregnant? What if it was a girl?"

And in a week, when my period starts. I'm going to be sad. Because I know that's not in my cards. Even though I wanted it to be. So so bad.

I know I am so lucky to have the family I have. My children are blessings and I wouldn't change anything about them.

But I will always mourn my could have been, Emma Rose. See you in my dreams sweetie 💕