Well the c-section didn’t go as planned. First they really struggled doing the spinal tap, my back was arched as far as I could go with the nurse and my OB holding onto my shoulders while the anesthesiologist moved the needle around in my spine to numb me. Took about10-15 mins of that pain. Once I was laying there I could feel my left leg but the left side of my abdomen was completely numb, while my right leg was numb, the right side of my abdomen wasn’t. They had rolled the table to the right so far I thought I might fall off. They needed to make sure the blocker was working.

Once the c-section started I was doing pretty ok for the most part… it was once they cut through the top layers of skin that i could could feel the cutting, I was crying from the pain so my OB started administering a local anesthetic, I could feel every shot given. I was in pain, but then I could feel her cutting in to the muscle, and then deeper and I could feel her snip something I was screaming and crying, but they had already started and couldn’t stop because my daughter. The anesthesiologist said it would just be pressure while my OB was pulling my baby out and then I fucking lost it. It felt like I was being ripped open, as she was grabbing my daughter I couldn’t bare the pain anymore I was screaming and shaking holding on to my husband for dear life.

Once she was out the anesthesiologist started to pump me full of drugs to knock me out. Before I blacked out I felt my husband shake me and he kept saying my name, I then heard the anesthesiologist saying she never had that happen and didn’t understand why, I then heard my OB telling me to open my eyes that I had a beautiful baby girl and I heard her cry and then I was out.

But in my head I was screaming for my husband and I could hear the anesthesiologist and him on repeat. I kept calling out to him that I was still with them. I was stuck in this horrible time loop of hearing my husband panicked,hearing the doctors and nurses and then my babies cry. I thought I was dead.

Once I finally came out of it I could see how scared and upset my husband had been. I thought I was watching him and our new baby alone after losing me. I just started crying uncontrollably, I didn’t die but I felt like I did. Jordan said after I passed out I was screaming his name still, my cries to let him know I wasn’t dead was part of my hallucination of dying.

I’m so thankful to be here with my family, that other then me feeling the whole procedure that our daughter was healthy and strong. I’m actually afraid to close my eyes at the moment. I keep hearing my own screams and cries and pleading silently in my own head that I’m still here. The thought of leaving my husband and new baby scared me so much.

I’m so thankful to be here, thankful my daughter made it into the world healthy and safe.