When I was 4 years old my cousin (8 years old at the time) starting making me do things to him sexually. It escalated to him forcing himself inside of me by age 5. We are 4 years apart and this was almost a daily thing for 9 years straight when I was 13 and he was 17 it stopped because I got my period. I was terrified to speak up and everytime I tried my mom would tell me I was a liar. When I finally came out that it happened at 17 nobody believed me and took his side. I tried to commit suicide a week later and failed. Im a 24 year old woman now. I have a family of my own, married to an amazing man but now my sexual relationship is causing issues in my marriage because im not affectionate and my husband feels like I dont love him. im afraid of sex and only do it because im scared he'll leave me but ik he wont because of it, i hope. Im in therapy weekly now to get the help I need. I just recently was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder and im getting help for that with therapy. But on a daily I still blame myself for everything and question myself. was it actually rape? we were both kids. I said no, I cried no even while he beat me up. I stopped crying and saying no after a few years in because it only made him more aggressive idet him do it and go away.. Is that still sexual abuse? I stopped telling him no? I never wanted it, I was so scared. Im so lost in my mind about it all.. I just cry all the time. What did I do to myself?