Perfect labor n birth. Traumatic afterbirth, severe hemmorage - uterine atony plus retained placenta. Near death experience. Doing so much stuff to try and heal myself. Its been 5mnths and still I cant shake it. Maternal death scares me and shakes me up still to the point of tears. I hold onto my baby closer. He is my third baby. I long for more kids but I dont think id survive it and am really struggling with that thought. Feeling like such a failure that Im not at my best and am not putting myself back together like id expect. Im trying so hard but even that isnt good enough.