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I had my baby boy 10/26 at 10:34PM and he didn’t make it. I was supposed to get an ECV but he turned by himself and then I was induced with cytotec. He was perfect the whole labor, I pushed for 4 minutes and he was out. I had experienced labor with no epidural. Once he was out and I was getting sewn up they told me his heart rate never exceeded 60bpm and he wasn’t responding to the breathing tube. He was the most beautiful baby, ten fingers and ten toes, head full of hair. I am reeling. Reliving both the best and worst day of my life. I was 39 weeks and 1 day. We tried for him for two years and now I have to go the rest of my life without him. They tried to place me on mood stabilizers but I declined because I want to be able to mourn properly but I don’t know if what I’m feeling is normal. I feel so empty. A horrible mom for spending 39 weeks with him and not knowing what was wrong with him. I feel like I was not made for motherhood. A failure. I just want to die. My breast are engorged and a constant reminder of my loss. I thought about becoming a milk donor but I don’t know if I can even withstand it. I would rather be on my way to get an autopsy with him than to be here crying without him. Please mommies who lost their full term babies help me out. How did you get through this? Did your marriage make it through? It feels like the world is just moving and I’m stuck standing still.