I need to vent. I am sorry. I’m just scared.

I am 33 weeks and decided to leave my bf. Before we started being intimate, I explained if we were to get pregnant, we would treat it as a donor situation if we didn’t work out if it was ok. He agreed. Well, I did get pregnant, and he pressured me into moving in with him. He only had a two bedroom home. I told him that wouldn’t work for me as I already have extra room at my apartment. He said we could either have a room built or move to a bigger house in sept. (This was June)

Before I moved in, I had an extra room at my apartment for a potential baby, and my son had his own room as well. My rent was paid early every month, all my other bills paid. Needs came before wants. I don’t drink, I don’t get child support for my son- I don’t need it, I don’t do drugs. I do have a habit of buying a lot of food when it’s on sale because I always have anxiety of something happening and us needing it in an emergency. We always have food, I just think of the what ifs. That’s probably my big flaw.

After I moved in, I found out he was behind on mortgage $1500. He said the government would pay for it with a Covid emergency fund for homeowners. He had more than enough money to pay it. He makes $1,500 every two weeks. He said he had it covered. Well, a few months later I find out he’s $3000 behind. He made a lot of huge purchases. $250 projector we did NOT need as I already had one. $1500+ vacation that he lied and said he had the time off for, He got “me” a special Nintendo switch for my birthday that was $500 even though I rarely play games. (He hid it after I broke up with him- I figured it was for himself to begin with considering he played it for 4 hours after I opened it. And I only played it twice within a few months) buying lottery tickets every week (10= $100 which could have covered the stroller I got)

I tried to get him to take parenting classes with me. And to sit in the parenting programs that come to the house. But he made excuses. He’d sleep when the lady would come over. They would have worked around his schedule. I’ve been taking time each week to do those classes to learn up to date information on what’s safe for baby.

He kept pressuring me into doing sexual things I was not comfortable with. He also tried to do that while my 4 year old son was asleep next to me, and I started sleeping on the couch the third time he tried to do that.

My bf requested me to wake my bf up when my son goes to sleep to give him a bj and to increase our intimacy. I said he could initiate it when my son is in his room or we could go to another room. I wasn’t comfortable waking my bf up. He made excuses from he doesn’t feel comfortable locking the door to saying if he has to initiate sex that I won’t get anything from it.

He then said he can’t get a room added on and we can’t move out. He wouldn’t accept help from me. It’s not even the extra space I was upset about, it was him basically waiting until the last minute to tell me. And him Knowing the whole time he was making a broken promise. He just thought I’d be trapped here if he lied to me.

I’ve had days where I’ve sat crying on the couch and he would just look at me like I was stupid. Or make a sad face and walk away. Never asked what was wrong or anything. I felt so alone.

After the sex messages, I applied for an apartment. I was uncomfortable and it felt awkward being around him.

He has been giving me the silent treatment. I tried talking to him and he ignored me. He quit giving me hugs before work. I said something the day before I broke up with him about the no hugs or saying bye to me and he just rolled his eyes and left. and then at work sent me a message saying I’m not talking to him and basically he was projecting what he’s been doing and saying I’ve been doing it. He didn’t want to take accountability for what he was doing I guess.

He also got hateful with my son after giving him the silent treatment. He denied it, but I was in the other room and I heard the whole thing. He ignored him and then said something hateful. My son came up to me and said “mama, he’s not talking to me” and he was about to start crying. That was the final straw for me. I didn’t argue with him in front of my son. I instead took my son to his room and said maybe he’s busy and played with some toys with him.

But I did tell my bf I was leaving. He didn’t even try to fight for the relationship. He said he was going to his moms because he feels broken. That we could pretend we are room mates until I get my apartment.

Now he removed me from his household on Amazon prime which I understand, we aren’t together, and removed me as a co registrant on the baby registry, removed the stuff I had on there, which was little gifts. I already have the baby everything he needs. But he added a bunch of random stuff. My mom said it’s probably to make me get worried or cause complications due to stress and my high bp. He has no time for a baby any way- he works and sleeps. And when he had cats he could barely take care of them. Or himself. He sleeps a lot. And he isn’t a light sleeper. He sleeps through phone calls and alarms. How the heck can he care for a baby? I’m so scared he will try to take this baby away from me out of his own selfish anger. This pregnancy has also been super complicated. I’ve been in constant pain. I just don’t want to fail my kids.

He asked me how we were going to handle being split with a kid. I told him that is a discussion that’s not meant for messenger as that’s how he asked plus I’m still living here I’m not fighting in front of my kid. He may not really want custody, as he complained the entire time when I bought something for the baby saying it cost too much (it’s actually cheap stuff.) but I wasn’t going to have that discussion until I move out as I am not arguing with anyone around my son. My kids physical needs are important, but their mental and emotional health are also just as important.

I’m probably wrong, but I don’t want him there for the delivery as that will stress me out, my bp is already high from all this. and I’m not putting him on the birth certificate either. My therapist even suggested I do this. My gut instincts are screaming at me to keep away from him for the kids sake of their mental health. I don’t want child support. I don’t want contact. I just want my kids to know peace, that they are loved and not being used and being confused out of spite. I went through the tug of war mind games as a child with my parents and it took a huge toll on my mental health. Took me a long time to overcome those struggles. It affected my school work.

I hopefully will be moving out tomorrow. They called me Friday and said my apartment should be ready Monday. 🙏🙏🙏🙏 I got everything ready for the movers and just I’m so ready to leave this place.😭