I have been struggling with an eating disorder and I’m so fed up. I don’t know what to do to be better. I can’t eat. If I try to eat, I either get nauseous or my mouth goes so dry it makes me gag to chew. If I’m nauseous and I eat I will throw up or at least I feel like I will. I have to smoke to eat and right now I’m sick (fever and aches) so I don’t want to smoke, I tried and it just made me more nauseous. My tummy is always too empty so I throw up usually in the mornings. I try so hard to eat, I can barely make it past 1000 calories. Nobody understand and they all just say I have to push myself and just eat and they don’t understand that I just can’t. I want to gain weight, I want to eat, I just don’t know how. Yesterday I actually ate about 2000 calories but I still woke up so nauseous and ended up throwing up. I don’t know what to do. I’m drowning. I feel weak and malnourished. My psychiatrist just said “there’s a medicine for that” but I don’t want to be on a bunch of medication. What do I do? How do I over come this? I’ve eaten less than 400 calories today on top of throwing up. I can’t stop crying because my family thinks it’s easy to just push myself and I’m sitting here barely able to eat grapes even though I desperately want to fill my tummy.

Why am I so messed up?