So my partner and I have been together for over 8 years..

Over the years I allowed him to disrespect me, disregard my feelings and financially abuse me.

I was being used, not only was I his live in nanny while he went out partying, I made him breakfasts, did his laundry, his cleaning, caring for his kids and figuring out activities with them.

This year, after we had a child together and he's now old enough to be somewhat equal to his kids. I realised that he's not at all an equal. And I am not an equal to my partner and looking back, I never have been.

I told him I need it different because I am no longer allowing him to treat me this way. And if it doesn't get better I will leave. At first he cried, Said that he knows he doesn't always treat people as he should but doesn't know how to handle himself, but doesn't believe in treatment.

By now he's blamed me for not speaking up when it occurred - which I know I did, he just dismissed me - and made me equally responsible for what happened in the past, for allowing him to walk all over me.

Today we had a fight and told me I reversed the tables and I'm not allowing him to be an equal and I always need to have things my way.. though the way I feel, he's still calling the shots and remains to have things his way...

Because I was trying to make arguments for how we possibly want to warm our possible future house.. and What I would prefer and he was done assessing pro's and cons and just wanted his thing because he wanted it and it's his dream and wants it as close to what he dreamt of and I am not allowing him to have his dream and I wasn't budging on what I thought was the best way because of the points I made and he didn't think my points were valid because the thing I wanted is not what he wanted. So because I wasn't budging on what I thought was best, according to him I was just pushing through my idea and he didn't think that was fair since it was HIS dream.. He basically told me that he's absolutely not willing to compromise, but then he threw that back at me, That I also wasn't willing to compromise. (He basically wants an open fire in the middle of the living room. We have 4 kids joint and I feel like an open fire is just not safe in the idea that we would likely have some grandkids at some point in time, his solution to that is a fence. I think a finoven is a really good investment where the look can be modified to your personal taste but also it uses a very minimum of resources for a maximum of heat and especially keeping the warmth in your home, which will in turn keep the house healthy, since it's a choice predominantly made by people who are ecological thinkers he called me a "green hippy") It's not that I'm not open for other options, it's that he wants an open fire in combination with other heating which, In present day, where everything keeps getting more expensive is just not smart.. It also doesn't matter because right now we're so broke I don't think I'll ever have a house, with or without him...

I just have a really hard time guarding my boundaries and he keeps not respecting my boundaries or even compromising anything and then blaming me for not compromising and for not wanting to keep the peace and I just want to fight him until he's done and wants to pack his bags.. That I'm not willing to make this work any more.

@mommaof4

I suggested couples counseling but he doesn't want it. He wants to solve it between the 2 of us because I think he's convinced he can manipulate me again into past behaviors.

He basically told me that he wants things the way he wants them and no reason I ever give him will have any validity if he just wants his way.

This morning I told him I wanted couples counseling (something I had on my mind for a long while now and actually talked about with a professional already but was scared to bring up with him - I Was SCARED of him because he loses his shit if he knows I talk about our relationship with others, especially professionals) because I had already told him 3 times that I didn't want sex and I always need a "valid reason".. Like we had a HUUUGE fight yesterday where he threatened to pack his bags. (I don't beg him to stay anymore so he quickly came back on his words) I don't want sex with this kind of atmosphere.. and he wants to "think forward" and "move on" he doesn't actually want to solve our problems but leave them in the past so the fact that I don't feel safe with him due to our fight, is not a valid reason to not have sex. But even if I don't have a valid reason if I don't want sex that's all the validation he should need. No is still no even if he's not happy with that.

The problem is that when he wants something.. it's always THE MOST IMPORTANT THING EVER IN HIS LIFE and he doesn't understand why I don't like him enough to let him have what he wants.. When I want something different or we don't have the funds or whatever.. it's not that I want to take things from him or want to have a power struggle.. But the fact that everything he wants is so super greatly valuable to him that he feels I should always give in...