I don’t understand my feelings.

My ex was someone who really helped me get out of a very bad and abusive relationship. I ended up dating him after I left that abusive relationship. He had serious health issues. He had a heart condition that affected blood flow to the brain which caused seizures, which impair decision making so keep that in mind while reading. Because of his heart being so weak, a seizure could stop his heart and kill him. He wasn’t supposed to live past infancy but had open heart surgery as a baby and then as an adult to repair it. It only stopped the seizures for a few months. would end up in the hospital after I fallowed the ambulance and each time they were trying to tell him something was really wrong and he needed to stay in the hospital and be hospitalized. He would ignore them. He absolutely refused doctors orders and the tests they wanted to give him and never went to his follow ups especially with his cardiac doctor. He would become extremely mean and threaten people because he wanted to leave because he was post seizures delirious. Those poor doctors and nurses got the worst of him and he was scary. He was bigger than me, and I physically couldn’t do anything about it.

Over time, things got worse. I talked him out of drinking alcohol as the doctor said it was inducing seizures. I made sure he took his seizure meds everyday. They still kept coming.

The last time he had a seizure he had multiple very violent seizures in a row. It was just so bad.

I called his mom, his main surgeons and doctors, I called his friends. I made a deal with one of his friends to literally come sit on him in the hospital bed because I knew I couldn’t fight him but she and her BF could. If that’s toxic then I don’t care because I was literally watching his health decline so bad. He needed to sit his ass on that fucking bed and let those doctors find out why his health was severely deteriorating. When he was back to a stable state of mind after a seizure, I would have long in depth conversations about everything I just said here and he agreed to all of it. He literally agreed to having his friends bully him back down into the bed to be taken care of by doctors. I told him that I absolutely refused to watch him die.

The last time I left the hospital with him, a doctor told me “I hope you know what this means if he doesn’t let anyone help.” I was so stressed out I couldn’t eat.

Later on I found out he was talking to another woman and that, ontop of being incredibly stressed out that I would find my boyfriend dying in my hands and a few other things that went down that I couldn’t handle, I left. We were toxic to each other and should have never have been more than friends.

I NEVER judged him for his health, I judged him because he refused to take care of it and it scared the fucking hell out of me and because of our basic relationship problems. I was exhausted and miserable.

I was mad he cheated, but I also felt relief and hope because this man was on disability and in housing for people who are disabled but he should have NEVER lived alone as I have literally found him in the floor by the bed choking on his own vomit and turning blue and i had to pick him up and beat on his back to break it loose. I don’t care ab your new damn girlfriend, this is life or death. So i really hope she’s up for it.

Months and months later.

I just found out he died. Just four days ago. His new girlfriend that he cheated on me with is nowhere to be found.

And I’m just wondering why I feel like this was my fault.

I feel bad that I should have stayed, maybe he’d be alive. I feel bad because I’m in a new relationship and my boyfriend now is getting to see me be extremely sad about my ex dying.

He died alone in his apartment, and nobody found him for four days. And that fucking kills me.

Nobody deserves to die like that.

I didn’t want to be with him, but I still cared. I checked in with his friends a few times to check on him in the past.

I moved on, got into another relationship and one of his friends messaged me and told me.

I am so fucking devastated and I do not understand my feelings at all.

Please help me understand! Please

Help me understand why I feel so much guilt and pain!