God and I both know that I’m not ready for a relationship and when I began college my focus was building my relationship with God, better it with myself and my academics. I was not seeking anyone out when I met the first guy so I thought he would be long term so I entertained it. Eventually I came to terms with the fact that things weren’t working out with him and that I should get back to focusing on myself. He felt the same way and said he needed to focus on his academics so we still talk occasionally as friends but nothing more which hurt me.

They next guy comes along a month after I stop talking to the first guy. Again, I wasn’t seeking anyone out just trying to focus on myself but this guy reached out to me via Instagram messages. I didn’t take it too serious like I did the last guy bc I wanted to continue working on myself with no distractions. But this guy, unlike the last guy (didn’t believe in God) seemed to want to better his relationship with God so I thought God sent him to me so I have someone to motivate and feed off of on campus when it comes to getting to know God better. Long story short things became toxic quick and he revealed to me that he is still in love with his ex and needs time to heal. That he likes me but just wants to remain friends.

So what I’m trying to figure out is why God sent these guys into my life when I already planned on focusing on myself prior to meeting them. I would understand if I was looking for love and God sent them to show me that I need to focus on myself but I already knew that, so what was the lesson in all that pain? Now I’m sitting here feeling lonely and hopeless when it could have all been avoided.