he gave me PTSD

i’ve posted several times in the past couple years about the relationship with my sons dad.

we started dating at 19 and it was only about 6 months in, his true colors started to show.

he cheated on me countless times, gaslighted me, lied all the time, etc.

some things he’s done/said:

- told me “maybe if you did the positions i liked, i wouldn’t have felt the need to do that” after i found another girls naked body on his phone when i was 3 months postpartum

- called me a whore when i was pregnant with our son and then punched a hole in the door

- told me “let me see your phone” and after giving it to him, he went and slept with it in his pocket so i didn’t have access to it

- “i feel like i don’t even know my own girlfriend, you put on this innocent act but i don’t believe it and if you’re hiding anything, i will find out”

- i’ve found him sexting other girls saying things like “the things i’d do to fuck that mouth and pussy”

- told girls he “barely” had a girlfriend when we were living together

- told a “girl friend” that i trusted him to have “i want you” and blamed it on being drunk

- “i legit think you have something wrong with you in the head”

- “im starting to grow a hatred towards you”

- “i literally can’t stand you”

after i left him in january of 2022, i started noticing a very bad change in myself.

i had extremely terrible mood swings, i was crying all the time, very little impulse control, i would have these blow ups (only on him) that i couldn’t control. i’d call him 20 times, text 18, call him names, pretty much say anything i had to in order to get him to respond or get a reaction. i didn’t have malicious intent and i knew it was very toxic but i had no control over these blow ups. my brain wouldn’t allow me to stop.

i got myself a therapist and i’ve been working to improve myself but nothing was stopping the blow ups and they made me feel like i was losing my mind.

i checked myself into a voluntary inpatient crisis center. it was so helpful and id go back in a heartbeat if i felt myself slipping.

i was honestly more scared to check out and go back into the real world than i was going in there.

i talked to two psych doctors, did group work and saw my therapist in there and they came up with my diagnosis.

i was diagnosed with a major depressive episode, anxiety and PTSD.

so all this time i’ve spent thinking so badly of myself, was for nothing. i was convinced i was losing my mind, that i had BPD or bipolar disorder, or that i was simply just bat shit crazy. NOT AT ALL.

i finally have the answer that i’ve been looking for and the reasoning behind these terrible blow ups i had zero control over. it was simply from being hurt, mistreated, traumatized and emotionally abused.

so now, i can talk about medication options with my doctor and start psychotherapy (as recommended).

although i’m kind of in utter shock about the diagnosis because it makes it so much more real, it’s such a relief to know that the pain i was feeling, the betrayal, the resentment, etc wasn’t just in my head or me being dramatic.