Trigger warning for sa, physical & verbal abuse I guess??

People are telling me I was raped.

It doesn’t feel like rape, it just feels like something took a wrong turn because I wasn’t enough for him.

I had been friends with a guy for quite some time, everything was very platonic at first when we were talking but then he was expressing to me that him and his gf were in a hard place. He started telling me he was interested in me, and I couldn’t have been more interested in him he was my entire support system and was comforting me and letting me confide in him 24/7. We were always either texting or on the phone about 2 months. But we stayed platonic, I told him that was how it had to be until he broke up with her. He broke up with her for me and we started hanging out alone in person. The first night he came over at 11:00 and we ended up having sex even tho it’s really not like me, but we did and it was amazing, best sex I will ever have, seemed like the best night ever and he left at like 7:00 ( so like 8 hours of the best sex you’ve ever had) and I was really attached and he seemed to be as well. I was falling in love but he got more distant but I kept sneaking him in late at night to have sex just so I could talk to him and see him. I missed him. But he became more detached, every time he came over a little bit higher and he got a little more aggressive. Every time sex ended with me bleeding(not on my period). One night he comes and picks me up to go for a drive which was new, I thought we would just smoke and listen to music like we do at home. I told him my period just ended and I didn’t want to have sex. He was totally understanding, after a while he pulled off the road and told me to get in the back seat and we started kissing, I tried to slow down but he wouldn’t. He ended up undressing me and choking me with two hands. Everything from then on is a bit hazy I was in and out of consciousness from the lack of oxygen. But he started hitting and throwing me around he bent me over and made me do anal for the first time with no preparation. It was incredibly painful and I remember telling him to stop and that it hurt and he needs to slow down and I didn’t want this. I was screaming but I never explicitly said “no”. He kept hitting my head against the seats and windows. And i tried to distract him, oral and stuff but he kept getting soft so he just got more mad. He put me on top and tried to put it back in. It wouldn’t my body couldn’t do it and he got mad, I told him it was fine and I changed the condom and put him in my vagina, he was absolutely disgusted with me and told me I was grody and an absolute idiot, that’s disgusting, you’re on your period, what if there’s blood, ew. Basically freaks out throws me off of him, and throws the used condoms out the window. He goes to the front of the car starts getting dressed and turns on the music and drives. He sings to it and pretends nothing happened like we are fine, like when we were first together. He dropped me off on a corner and I walked a block or so home at 3 am without shoes or pants. I made it home and passed out I rushed to school the next morning, I went to the bathroom after totally forgetting what happened, pulled down my pants and there was blood everywhere. I had hand prints on my neck for 3 days and it took two months for all my bruises to heal and cuts to scar, and he never tried to contact me again.

I don’t know if it was rape

I had willingly engaged in sexual activities with him previously, we had passionate/ rough sex before just never this violent or painful. I didn’t technically say no. It’s been 6 months, I still have scars the shape of his nails in my thighs and I can’t look at my body naked now.