My boyfriend and I have been long distance dating for almost 3 years. There is nothing there to dig, we’re good, he met my family, traveled together, love each other ..

But.. As everyone, we do have our ups and downs. Each has their rythme and ways of making up.

Since last time he came to visit me we were pretty lovey dovey all over each other, 3 weeks later we had a small fight, that unfortunately he took super seriously. He blocked my number, deleted me on socials and it was pretty toxic. It was kinda my fault so I did my part and apologized to him via email, and wrote him about my day everyday until he called me 5 days later and apologized for being hurtful cause he was drunk.

Post that fight, we were talking one day and I brought up once again how much I hate his toxicity and I don’t want to have that in my serious relationships, and that I would love for him to work on that. Then between the lines when I mentioned how much i reached out and made effort everyday he said « well because you were afraid of losing me, especially now that you’ve introduced me to your family ».

Couple days ago, we were talking on the phone and he was just not in a good mood. I was kinda frustrated too because that Day I told him I had quit my job, but he never asked more details, and among my first things i told him were « you don’t care about the why » and he said « look, I’m not really in the mood, So I’ll just let you go, bye » and hang up.

I know for sure that if someone should make the first move it should be him. But his birthday is tomorrow !

And I so much want to move past this and again, reach out and be the bigger person.. But this sentence has stuck to me « well because you were afraid of losing me, especially now that you’ve introduced me to your family ».

If he keeps thinking i’m scared of losing him, and basically I’m chasing him, where is the equality in the relationship ?

I hate having to take the first step every time. I’m tired of carrying the relationship post every fight. But mostly I hate for him to think I’m scared of losing him. With all due respect to him, I’m the one sacrificing more being with him.

If anything, I would love to feel worried about and loved too.

I just feel lost and would love some advice from you. Should I wish him a happy birthday or not ?

FYI: for 3 years, all I got for my birthday was a dry happy birthday. And for 3 years, I went out of my way to send him gifts, hand written letters and surprises left and right.

Thank you for reading 🙏🏼