I just want to rant a bit because I feel like I have no one to talk to about this…

My husband and I had our issues in the past. We’ve been together for about 7 years… when we got together I was straight out of high school, 18 and he was 23. He made me stop going out with friends and would try to control almost everything I did, and me being a dumb 18 year old, I let him…. When I was 21 I got pregnant with our daughter, and we lost our daughter at 20 weeks in 2018 and he’s had a bad drinking problem since then. He would fight with me constantly and try to fight others if they tried to calm him down. He’s tried to fight my dad and even told my mom he wanted a divorce from me, but of course, as always, he wakes up and says he doesn’t remember and apologizes… this has gone on for years after and even recently told me he blamed me for miscarrying…

After telling me that, he apologized and of course I “forgave”him, (so I thought). The issue now, is that I can’t look at him the same anymore, I just feel angry and everything he does irritates me! he recently stopped drinking, but he still will get home from work and be upset and want to argue, and then blame work or traffic and after years of him treating me like shit and being verbally/mentally abusive, I just feel hate towards him. I feel mad and angry all the time when he comes around, I always have an excuse to not have intercourse cause when we do I feel disgusting, used and I just always want it to end.

My family tells me not to give up, and that marriage is about making it work… but I just can’t forgive him.

I carried my daughter for as long as I could and had to push out her lifeless body because of a stupid incompetent cervix that I can’t control and he blames me? How can I forgive him, when he is supposed to be the one to protect me and make me feel safe and secure, but yet he’s the reason I’m unhappy and miserable.

After my great grandma passed away, I was depressed because she was like a second mother to me and I loved her very much, I sat in bed and cried for two days…. He never hugged me or told it was going to be okay, he started telling me how disgusting and lazy I was for not showering and said he was trying to motivate me to get up and active… writing all this down here is making me see what an ass he is and how did I put up with this for so long? I think it’s my parents telling me to keep trying, but I can only try for so long.