I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel

In October of 2021, I had a miscarriage due to a beating I received from my father. (I was barely 18 at the time, so I lived at home still). Pretty much no one in my family knows I had a miscarriage. And I’m always more affected on certain days of the year. (Predicted due date, anniversary of the miscarriage, and holidays.) But I can’t show it because no one knows it even happened. My own father was too drunk to remember the incident.

I just feel guilty for being terrible to others on these days. I get moody and irrational because I’m in pain but I have to hide it. Like today is mother’s day, it’s only 2 am and I can already tell it’s gonna be a disaster. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I also feel like Im not allowed to be this effected because my baby was 6 1/2 weeks when I lost it. The few people I have told, tell me i was to early in the pregnancy to be this affected by the miscarriage. Am I allowed to be heartbroken? It was still my baby. It had a heartbeat. But everyone who knows is telling me to move on and forget about it. That it was for the best. But I don’t see it that way. Am I in the wrong for being broken by it? I’m just a mess.