I still “write” to him

Like, I wrote letters I'll never send him in my notes app. They've been piling up for months now. I know, it's an anxious attachment. But I also know that I still have feelings for him despite everything. He's not thinking about me though. He's with his friends right now in another country, and I'm in bed crying because he doesn't care. I hate who I am now. I know I’ve changed and it hasn’t been for the better. That scares me so much.