I need somewhere to vent since I don’t have anyone else to talk to.

****TW MENTIONS LOSS OF CHILD****

I’ve been with my fiancé for 10 years (I’m 25) and I’m absolutely miserable in the relationship.

Backstory on our relationship. We met when I was 15 started off very toxic but gradually got better as we got older. Flash forward forward 6 years I found out he was cheating on me (only texts and pictures) with his brothers wife 🙃 and downloading dating apps. Ended up leaving him but got super drunk one night slept together and BOOM got pregnant with our first which he treated me HORRIBLY during the entire pregnancy and then he decided to leave me 3 months after our first was born. We split for 6 months because he needed to “find himself” he seemed to be a completely better person (didn’t seem like he was such an emotionally abusive person anymore) so we got back together after 6 months. Got pregnant with our second bought a house and then our second child passed away.

It’s been almost a year in a half since our second passed away and while I’ve been working on finding myself and healing he’s gone right back to his old ways (he’s bipolar but refuses medication). He’s always angry stopping around yelling or complaining about something that’s wrong. All he wants to do is smoke pot and drink I can’t even remember the last time he was sober in any fashion. I’ve recently lost 50 pounds that I’ve always wanted to lose and he never stops talking about how I make him insecure now and that he’s going to feed me bad food so I get bigger again and he will feel better. I’ve decided I want to go to nursing school so I can help women who go through what we did with our second and he’s been nothing but horrible about it because he doesn’t want to “deal” with me being in college again. He’s only affectionate when it comes to sleeping together or groping me. I have absolutely no desire to sleep with him and every time after we do sleep together he literally says “I know you really didn’t want to do it but thanks for letting me let off some steam” Hes constantly asking for sexual attention that I just can’t give to him. Nothing in me wants to give him attention or anything else. 🙃 I’ve begged and begged him to go to therapy or go on medications but it’s a constant “promise” that never happens. Idk what to even do anymore. Being around him gives me so much anxiety and I know I should leave but we just bought the house and I’m scared that if I leave I will regret it later. I’m so scared of seeing him with someone else. Im just so stuck idk

If you got this far thank you and sorry for the long post but it feels so good to get this off my chest ❤️