My first relationship was 3 years, pretty much the entirety of highschool. We broke it off 1y 2m ago, and I never stopped caring about or loving him. I kind of decided that Im fine with always having a place in my heart for him as long as I have room for someone else. I’m only 19 so if there is a someone else, I have time to find them.

But we hung out before he left for basic training and it went a lot better than expected and things got a little heated. We talked about what that means for us, because his place in my heart definitely grew a little. We decided to just get closer, write letters while he’s in basic, and see what happens from there. I’m excited.

The main issue I’m facing with the potential of getting back together is my gender identity. He’s straight, a little conservative, but an ally which is great because I’m queer and look it. I just feel like, if we get back together, I’m going to worry too much about how he will think of me to find myself. If I don’t, and I just do what makes me the most comfortable, I can’t stop him from leaving if he’s no longer attracted to me.

We broke up to work on ourselves and I really started to grapple my identity but even after a year, I don’t know what is dysphoria and what is internalized trauma/misogyny or coping mechanisms. I mentally over-sexualized my femininity as a preteen because of something my mom said when I was really young. During covid I started to dress more masculine and cut all my hair off, to the repulsion of my mom. I really started liking not worrying about razor burn or detangling my hair constantly and finding the perfect outfit to hide my stomach so I ignored my mom telling me I’m ugly/manly. I want to take t for a more gender neutral voice and a flatter chest(plus reduction surgery at least) and maybe some bottom growth, but don’t really want facial hair. I also still just want to be a pretty girl. Sometimes I feel like a trans woman with how much I just want to be a woman when I also feel like I never can be.

And I can’t make such a complicated decision when I’m also worried I’ll lose him if I’m not feminine enough.