Why do I miss what’s toxic for me?

Hi,

My partner just ended our relationship bc I called the police on him due to him threatening me bc I kicked him out of my home.

I allowed him to stay at my home while I am working out of town & when I popped up to my home.. it was a mess, clothes everywhere, smelt like weed and cigarettes, liquor bottles, woman items in the bathroom, etc. It reminded me of a college frat home- so I was disgusted and told him to come pick up his items as he was not aware I was coming back bc he told me… “no pop ups” and that I needed his permission to come back home.

Needless to say, I miss him, despite this and I kind of feel like it was my faught as to why he ended things.

I am trying for a rebound, but it’s not the same…