I've come onto this platform many times before venting about personal situations that give me stress and anxiety. I currently am in a life situation that is affecting me in ways that I never thought would. Here's the backstory:

I graduated from nursing school thinking my life would begin, thinking my life is now going to be great, stress free, and I will finally live the life I have always imagined. But I was and am still completely wrong. I have failed my NCLEX 3 times now, and I feel as if my motivation and everything has gone out the window and that all my dreams and goals are done. Knowing that others who have graduated after me and are ahead of me, gives me sorrow, stress, and so much worry. I know that life will never be perfect, that there are roller coasters and that nothing ever goes as expected. Knowing that the person I am, knowing that I am the type to get things done and make sure things are on the right track, this hiccup in my life is slowly affecting my mental health more than what I realize.

Not only does this stupid state test affect me, but also now my personal relationships. From family, friends and my boyfriend, I feel as if everything is falling apart slowly. My family does not seem to understand whatsoever in regards to my personal situation and how much it is affecting my mental health. In honesty, being the first ones to basically scold me and put me down for my failure without realizing how much it all hurts. No talk in the world can change their mindset and now more so I see myself as a disgrace and even a bigger failure. Not only have I truly tried to have this conversation with my parents, but also my own boyfriend. As someone who says that they love me and support me and want the best for me, I truly feel as if he wants to see me fail and doesn't believe in me anymore. I know many of you might think that I might be thinking like this due to my high stress and worry, but in reality this is the actual situation. I have tried many many many times to vent to my boyfriend and explain situations and explain myself and pour my heart out, but the more I do that, the more I realize that I am creating a situation to make myself look weak and hurtful and to allow someone to take my weakness and use it against me. My boyfriend of 16 months does not understand me at all, does not understand what I truly want and does not understand the severity of my mental health and how I am slowly rotting and hurting myself with all my worry and stress. Every Time I have tried to have a conversation with him in regards to my stress and worry, nag continues and continues, and always blows up in my face with everything. It seems as if he comes at me to hurt me and doesn't even realize it. When I try to explain to him that I need someone I can just vent and talk to, his response goes "I am not a therapist". I'll just leave it at that for you to think how I reacted to that. I personally also feel as if he is controlled by his family and his sister who seems to dictate everything out of his life and it is quite sad considering the individual is well over his age. I have tried to explain that to him but every time I do it's an assumption I have an issue with his family, but does not realize it's the way they get involved.

I can go on and on about everything, but then I would be here all day long. As someone who is writing away on this platform, my message I want to push across is that I am tired of everyone not believing in me or anything I have to offer in this life. It feels as if my worth is not valuable towards anything and that my journey as a person won't benefit anyone. I'm tired of never feeling like anything to anyone and I'm tired of always being put down as the bad guy. I wish individuals would look in the mirror in regards to the "advice" that they offer and I wish they would realize what hypocrites they can be. I understand there is therapy out there and that there is help, but as someone who is also in a financial situation, it is difficult to go about that route. I hope there is someone out there reading this by now, and relating to what I am thinking/going through. I hope there is hope and that things will get better. By no means do I hate my boyfriend, or my family or his family, but it is difficult to love when you don't receive the love that you want. I do wish everyone the best and I do wish for everyone to succeed, but it is hard to be in a positive mindset when everyone is coming at you from every corner and bashing you down.

If there are individuals out there who seem to understand what I am going through and coming at, please give me your input and help me understand why I can't get out of this funk. I can't afford therapy, otherwise I would go. I just need someone to believe in me and hear my cry for help.