I don’t know what’s wrong with me or how to fix my issues. Throughout my life I’ve dealt with issues and trauma, things like bullying, SA, family problems, etc. Since high school (6 years), I’ve been super alone. Didn’t have any long lasting friendships or relationships. So I kind of shut down & isolated myself. I tried to push myself to makes friends, but I’m shy & can’t open up. In social settings, I get quiet & kind of close off. Also have an issue where I keep my emotions/feelings locked away/suppressed, even though I’m not trying to, it just happens on its own. Like if something traumatic happens, I feel or act like nothing is wrong. Any type of conflict or negative situations, I leave to not deal with it.

Now, with any relationships I have a hard time trying to open up & making the first moves. It’s always the guy that has to show affection for me to show it back, make conversations, or make plans, etc. They ask me how I am, what I did all day, etc while I can’t bring myself to ask those things back. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. It’s not like I’m doing it on purpose, there’s like a block or something that holds me back. I know I want to do those things, but it’s like I’m stuck. I haven’t had much luck with relationships, whether it was platonic or romantic. So when I’m finally in a relationship or friendship, it’s like I have no clue what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to act. I mean slowly when I get close to someone, I open up somewhat & get comfortable to do little things here and there. Pretty much every relationship, the other person becomes impatient with me & leaves so I have to restart the process with someone else, so it just becomes an endless cycle.

I’ve tried counseling/therapy but it didn’t help…sorry for a long read so if you took the time to read it all & comment advice or anything it’s appreciated.