This is all tmi.. I apologise but have no one else to share with. I know it is such a fine line to discuss these sorts of things with anyone, so not sure where else to turn

I lost my baby at exactly 4 weeks pregnant 5 days ago. I had positive tests a few days prior. And told my SO shortly after.

Pregnancy tests are entirely negative now. And I’ve stopped bleeding. Slight brown spotting at times still, but that is almost over.

Me and my SO have still been sexual though. Please no judgement on this. I felt okay at the time. And I still in a way do. No infection has happened.

Tbh we had sex due to our emotions being so high after bleeding started the night mc started.

It was a strange concept to me that we wanted it, and I even said to him that I thought miscarriage was supposed to turn men “off” and even turn ‘me’ off

he told me it had the opposite effect and our emotions were so strong with needing physical and emotional comfort in each other.

He said it is not affecting him badly, he is of-course upset, he is just worried about me. And it does not affect his wants for me.

he thinks I am strong for just going through it. And that I will naturally feel more upset because I am the one carrying the baby.

we had sex last night and I was depressed. I enjoyed it, and I got off, but I was just overall sad, way before we even started. But I very much wanted that feeling and connection. Mentally I prepared by showering and then my mood dropped so low without me even thinking of it.

I could not hide my feelings, but did not discuss it with my partner last night. and told him I wanted no talking, and just wanted to carry on as normal.

I laughed at his jokes briefly, he was trying to get me to smile, which he managed at times, but I did not laugh like I normally would

He knew I was upset and kept asking me about it. I told him it was not him. Which he said he knew that. He did not see me as being angry, just very sad.

but honestly, I feel the grief truly hitting me strongly now, because I did not truly process it, and although I discussed it all with him, I also have tried to ignore what happened by trying to stay busy, to keep it off of my mind.

I am going home tomorrow back to my flat too, so maybe I will feel differently then? Maybe I can process more in my own space? (I’ve been nervous to be on my own though but feel it might be good for me)

I have not spoken to anyone else of it. And I don’t wish to at this point.

I told my SO I do not want to stop ttc and just try to go at things like it was just a period and we are still ttc as if pregnancy never happened. (Obviously not heartlessly.. we are not forgetting truly that this was not the case)

Realistically I know I am not supposed to have sex again until a few days after bleeding stops due to infection risks. But we treated it like a period.

Any pregnancy loss before 5 weeks is medically called a “chemical pregnancy” .. the bleeding of a pregnancy at that stage can be classified as a period, because most women have them often, but never knew they were pregnant to begin with, as most do not take pregnancy test until ‘after’ their period is late.

they carry sex on as normal as if there was no MC (because they of course never had awareness of carrying a child)

I did not expect this loss to affect sex so bad right now. From it being totally fine initially, my mood being completely okay during, (not fully though) to now feeling not right and overall upsetting whilst we do it, and I was almost refusing to do it last night, or stopping it mid way.

I am also feeling immensely guilty that I even want sex all. And that it is abnormal that I do.

My SO said I performed much better than I believed I did though which is good. I was worried my low mood would turn him off.

I feel mentally I so want to have sex for love and pleasure, not even baby making.. but I don’t think I will be happy unless I’m pregnant again right now.

Even then.. I’m guna be scared shitless if something goes wrong again, and I just feel empty right now (I guess literally)

I’ve never felt true grief before, so it’s all new to me.

I do think of the baby I aborted last year for medical reasons at times, especially as I had seen it on an ultrasound and how formed it was, and how much it was moving. (Which literally shocked me, and I smiled until I remembered my decision (the nurses turned screen away at that point)

But I was fully accepting of my decision, and refused to get the abortion until I had fully processed the idea at 8 weeks pregnant so it was not the same thing at all

I guess that is the difference between a choice made.. and a choice taken away.

But I definitely feel guilt of that too. And how that baby would have been born by now in November 2023. And the loss I just had at 4 weeks, this baby would have been born in September 💔 (we also have a 7yo child currently)