Saturday night, I was drinking. I went way overboard, that's on me completely 100%. I recognize that.

I was at my girlfriend's brothers house. I ended up throwing up. My girlfriend was asleep on the couch. Her brother came in and started holding my hair back. I told him to get my girlfriend and he said that she said I'm on my own tonight. I said, oh okay. I was confused because that doesn't sound like my girlfriend at all. She's very loving and doting. He pretended to tell her "she said it's okay that she's on her own tonight." I kept telling him to just go to bed and he kept telling me "that's not what homies do." He was rubbing my back and he stuck his fingers down my throat to make me throw up. He was telling me that if I told anyone he was helping me, we were gonna fight. He keeps rubbing my back and then goes on the inside of my shirt to rub my back. He was trying to get me to stand up, saying "stand up princess" and I told him that I wasn't done and that I had to go to the bathroom. I asked him again to go get my girlfriend, and to leave so I could go to the bathroom. He stands me up and pulls my pants down. I told him to just go get my girlfriend. I'm sitting on the toilet, like passed out but somehow fully conscious. I don't know how to describe it. He starts to wipe me, I said no go get your sister. After this point, I can't really talk. I can just grunt. He wiped me again and his finger went in me. I was confused if maybe it was an accident. Then he left and came back. He changed my shirt and he stuck his hand in my bra and I remember looking down and seeing his head near my breast. I don't remember if he had his mouth on it or not. He leaves again and comes back. He started rubbing my clit like in a fast way. At this point, my girlfriend wakes up and he must've heard her coming because he runs out and starts telling her that I'm throwing up and on the toilet and that "he wiped me and saw everything." As soon as I realized my girlfriend was there, I said "he touched me" and then passed out again. She said I was pale white and barely breathing. She was trying to get me cleaned up and I was aware of what was happening but couldn't move. She gets me cleaned up and they carry me to a bed. I can hear their whole conversation, but can't talk or move. She's sitting next to me, trying to wake me up, trying to figure out if she should take me to the hospital and he's telling her "no, she's fine. Don't worry about it." and then he jumps in the bed with me and is like jokingly cuddling me. So I get startled and start swinging my arm towards him because I just want him away from me. I kind of pass back out, and a few seconds later I feel someone touching my arms/face and I start freaking out and yelling "don't fucking touch me, dont touch me, dont touch me." My girlfriend is saying "baby it's me, it's me. It's just me." Once I realize it was her, I start screaming "get me the fuck out of here, please, get me out" and she does. She said that he never woke her up, that she would never tell me "I'm on my own." and that he tried to tell her that she said that too, but she knows she didn't.

I guess, I'm really struggling because I keep wanting to explain it all away and blame myself for drinking so much. Like maybe he was just trying to help. But then I look at the big picture and it doesn’t seem like he was trying to help. I feel like I’m gaslighting myself.