I’m losing my mind and it’s all my fault.

FYI This post is a venting post.! I told myself maybe if I write it down and just express myself to people who don’t know me, maybe just maybe I’d find some sort of relief…

Let me start by saying I’m in the worst financial situation I’ve ever been in my entire adult life. I know my situation is mainly to blame. I’m barely surviving but I’m hanging on. I’m not even paycheck to paycheck, I’m day to day. Financially, physically, mentally.

How insecure and unloving are you to yourself?

I’m sleeping next to a man who doesn’t want me anymore.

A man who once adored me now looks at me with regret. We met at the wrong time and now there may never be a right time again. I was so broken when I met him, without even realizing it. I hid it- the depression. Now, I’m broken again. You know what they say, you cannot love anyone if you can’t love yourself first.

I thought I had got there, I was open to dating and open to meeting new people. I wanted to find love like the love I had inside of me. I wanted my child to grow up knowing what a loving family was. I was coming out of a terrible situation i needed all the positivity I could get.

But it was too soon, I was dealing with a greater depression then I truly knew. One that haunted me for 4 years and may never get to leave my mind. My depression can take over quickly and abruptly. I HATE it!! Why me? Why do I have to battle my mind every SINGLE day?! I wonder where did I go wrong? Who did I love wrong and why? Whose advice did I ignore or whose advise was terrible? Was I terrible child or person?

I still wonder why I can’t be loved?!

A part of me believes that love wasn’t meant for me and never will be for me.

Second…

So this same time back in 2023 I had a feeling my child’s sperm donor was looking for us. Me thinking he was petitioning the court to have visitation to see our child. See, unfortunately I chose the wrong person to create a life with. I thought even if we didn’t stay together we had a bond strong enough to be amazing parents to our child you know? Nope. I should’ve known better. I did know better, in the depths of my heart. Fast forward, I figure out sd isnt looking for us so that he could get to fill the gaps he’s missed in his child’s life, it’s not to help with expenses, or simply be there for his child from this moment on. See he was there because he gave up. It took a year for me to find out this sd was truly the scumbag everyone warned me about. A process server finally gets in touch with me cause I have no clue what’s going on so I haven’t been answering any notifications.

I think to myself Why is this guy (sd) looking for me, trying to serve me, but can’t do it himself? Long story short he moved out the state without telling me over two years ago! Started a new family (again) and disappeared. Not even his grandmother could tell me where he vanished to. I immediately thought he’s trying to take our child. Yes it is an extreme thought but if you knew him or half of what I’ve been through you would understand my rush for thinking the worst.

Finally the process server finds me and explains the papers to me… I got served termination papers. The day I used to wish and wondered when it would come is finally here!

(NO we aren’t celebrating the news)

Don’t get me wrong, my child deserves and needs a father. But sd wouldn’t amount to this responsibility in the past present or the future. It’s just sad! I blame myself! I should’ve know when I was dating him, but why didn’t I see the red flags? I should’ve known when he cheated, when he didn’t come to prenatal appointments, pediatrician appointments, when he didn’t show for visits, when he wouldn’t rush to our child’s side in need of emergency. There was always an excuse from having errands to do to being there for one of his other children who he felt needed him more than our child did (ours being his first born child). I was never important to him, why didn’t I know he would do the same to our child? I really believed that not matter what he had done to me in past, he would never abandon our child!

He’s humiliated me, he’s financially burdened me, and simply abandoned me. He didn’t have to do the same to our child!

Oh where did I go wrong?!! I sometimes wonder if I’m being punished now for making such unwise decisions when I was younger…

I’m not sure if anyone reading made it to the end of this message but if you did I thank you for taking the time out of your day to do so, feel free to leave advice!

Please no negativity!

I end this here in hopes that I will get stronger and better from this