My boyfriend and I of almost 5 years have always had a strained relationship due to neither one of us having good examples of healthy relationships growing up, so we had to learn how to communicate. About 2.5 years ago. Things got physical from him for the first time. Happened a few times and the last time from him scared the hell out of me.

Last night in the middle of a very heated argument it looked like he drew his arm back to punch. I flinched my whole body and he said 'exactly' then leaned over me and I jumped out of my chair and started smacking punching his shoulder (where I could reach). I know I did it out of fear since I saw his arm swing back previously (which he denies). I just don't know how to feel about anything anymore. Regardless of fight, freeze or flight. I never thought I would do anything like that. I can still feel his skin and body under my fists and fingers. I've frozen every other time from him. I think this time my body just finally had enough. He didn't do anything physical back I think once that happened he knew how much it affected me. But I just feel lost. I don't feel like what I did was right. But I can't help but feel I did what I felt I had to do to survive in that moment.

Am I in the wrong here to feel it wasn't right but it can be justified for why I attacked him? Even after times of him punching, slapping me, biting me, pinning me to the floor while towering over me. I've never fought back and I finally did. I want this day to be over for the weekend.