Is it my fault

OK, so I haven’t really talk about this happen to me. Nobody knows this story, except for three people and one of them is me. My family and I went to go and visit family and go to a wedding down south I was just 16 at the time. We were only going to stay there for maybe a week and some days. My mom and my sister and a couple of cousins that stayed in Detroit with us got an air b&b it had a pool and everything we were all so excited. I was a little scared and anxious. A lot of bad things happened to me down south that I try and try force down that always seems to find its way back into the front of my mind. Our third day there a couple of our other cousins came over and my mom went somewhere I don’t know where she went. But after she left we kinda had a party with just us some of my older cousins brought alcohol and weed. So we were smoking and drinking. I did a lot more then I should have but I kept on getting idk flashbacks of what happened to me a couple of months ago and it didn’t help that there were more boys than girls. But it shouldn’t have mattered right because we were all family and just trying to have a good time. But I was starting to panic and I get really bad anxiety and panic attacks. So I just kept on smoking because it helps me calm down and that was the only thing that was going to help me this time. And it was helping I was calming down and we were all having a good time some hours went by and now it’s was like 1 am and everyone was winding down. So I went to the only room I knew had a lock and i checked to see how if anyone was in there. It was only me in the room I closed and locked the door and pretty much passed out on the bed. I remember closing the door and locking and checking if anyone was in there but I was just me I swear it was just me. But when I was woken up by someone pushing themselves in me it hurt so bad. I couldn’t even breathe it hurt so bad. The first time I opened my eyes I couldn’t help but think that it was the same person that did it to me the last time. That I was so stuck in my head that I couldn’t move. I couldn’t say anything. But I wasn’t thinking clearly I wasn’t seeing clearly. But when I fully opened my eyes and was seeing clear I saw two of my cousins standing one was inside of me and the other was holding me down and I was naked. I’m a small 16 and every man or boy in my family are basically giants but with me saying that my cousin were both 15 I felt and still feel so disgusting. I must’ve done something to make them want to do this maybe I just deserve it idk that some thing my dad used to say that I deserved when he would touch me and when I tried to tell him that his friends were always hurting me and using me he would say I deserved it. When they were done I just kept smoking and drinking so I could forget. And so it didn’t hurt so much because I couldn’t help it I just wanted it to stop. So I don’t think I can blame them it was my fault and I’m so sorry. I just keep remembering how much it hurt and I just can’t take it anymore I’m just so so sorry.