Warning… this is a long one and I truly apologize in advance for the length… but please, someone could just read through this and maybe offer some comfort.. I’d appreciate you immensely.

So, usually I’m all happy go lucky with my posts…. But this one not so much and for that I apologize, but I’m desperate need of comfort…. Please… I’m an EMT who use to work 122 hours a week on the ambulance before I had my son. Im also an LPN and use to work in assisted living along with in home nursing. I LOVED my jobs! My careers! My end game was to become an Emergency Physician. I have always done everything I possibly could to care for and save as many people as possible. I genuinely love to help people and make them better or at least feel better. Even if it’s just sitting with someone who’s having a bad day and needs to talk for however long, so that they don’t hurt themselves. I’ve given the shirt off my back and still would to this day. After I had my son though, I went down to 40 hours a week so I could support my little man but still be the best mommy possible that was, until I couldn’t anymore….

Let me start off by saying I am absolutely IN LOVE with my son. He is my entire world. I’ve been wanting to be a mommy for so long and after 4 miscarriages… I finally have my rainbow baby!!! And let me tell you, he’s truly perfect. He’s handsome, sweet, loving, incredibly intelligent for 7 months old. He sleeps through the night. He’s constantly happy. He’s an amazing little man. I am so grateful and so blessed to his momma.

All of that being said….my depression is really, really starting to grab ahold of me. When I told my ex (my fiancé at the time) that I was pregnant…. He flipped out… and then told me he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby and to never contact him again…. We had been together almost 4 years…Turns out he was still MARRIED even though he showed me divorce paperwork that was apparently fake… (Leave it to a cop to be so shady).

I had my son emergency C-section due to the fact that every time I had a contraction, his heart rate dropped below 40. Turns out the cord was wrapped twice around his body and once around his neck. They did two minutes of resuscitation on him and by the grace of God, he pulled through and came out perfect. No deficits!

Fast forward…

Two weeks after I had my son, my landlord told me I had to move out asap because she was selling my house. (I was renting). I had to pack my whole house and move, all by myself, several weeks PP, still healing from one hell of a rough c section…

Luckily my parents welcomed us in with open arms. My mother is my biggest support system and has always been my biggest cheerleader. However things are a bit rough at the moment because my son and I are living out of…. Well the living room, until we can get my old bedroom cleaned out which has taken much longer than expected so not having our open personal space has been a bit physically, emotionally and mentally taxing…. Nonetheless, I’m still incredibly grateful!

Now the real shitty part…. I’ve been sick most of my life… since I was 13. I’ve had 3 catheter ablations, 81 spots ablated for SVT. I have A-fib and now, heart failure. On top of that I’ve had two strokes (one while I was pregnant with my son) and I’ve gone into cardiac arrest twice. (Once while I was 3 months pregnant with my son.) A few months ago, I was diagnosed with Systemic Lupus, Systemic Sclerosis, and they are 99% I have Hodgkins Lymphoma. I’m on oral chemotherapy which makes me sick as a dog and the pain I’m in on a daily basis is absolutely dreadful. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy…. My right kidney is failing.. and now I have significant liver damage.

Between having an autoimmune disease, cancer, and being on immunosuppressive chemotherapy, flareups, pain, and constantly being sick… my doctors told me theres no way I could work anymore unless I wanted to cut my time shorter than it already has been. Plus… after I went back to work… I noticed my pain was worsening. I was becoming more and more sick, constantly.. which prompted me to see the docs in the first place.

April 15, 2024 I had to walk away from my dream career… and sadly, right in the middle of a shift which is something I would NEVER do. But that day I broke down. I was so stressed out, incredibly sick and in so much pain, I knew I was unable to preform my duties. Walking away from what made me who I am… something I was and am so passionate about.. something I loved so much… it has absolutely destroyed me…

Now… I sit at home, doing the absolute best I possibly can to take care of my son.. but sadly there are days where I can hardly move or I’m too sick to get out of bed. Which also breaks my heart because this wasn’t the life I planned for my son.

My doctors told me this past week that they all refuse to release me for work… I’m too sick and too weak to go back to work in which they followed up with; “You need to file for disability.” That made me sick to my stomach.. Disability takes a minimum of a year to be approved and it’s almost impossible to be approved the first time around. Then the second time you have to get an attorney…and wait for the whole process to start over…

So, I’m 30 years old, with a 7 month old son, that was forced out of our house, baby daddy left, I’m terminally ill. My parents are on a very strict and tight budget due to my father having the only income due to disability. My mother and I flip flop days between taking care of him and my grandmother who has dementia and is worsening by the week. I have absolutely no income and my own bills are piling up… and I can no longer do the once single thing I loved that made me so happy which was working in medicine and taking care of people. Yes I take care of my son, father and grandmother… but it’s not the same…

I haven’t spent a single day away from my son since he was born… and I’m really really feeling overloaded and lost… almost like I’m detached from life. I haven’t gone out to see friends or have any “me time”. Which may sound selfish, and I’m sure it is, but I feel like a break now and then seems mandatory for someone’s mental health… but I can’t even take a break at the moment..

I’m just so lost…. And so scared… and so incredibly stressed to the point I want to crawl out of my skin….

I just want to be able to provide for my son and give him the best life I possible can… and I can’t even do that right now….

I feel like I’ve completely lost myself, my identity, and now my depression has such a tight grip on me…

So I’m simply just looking for some comfort and positivity… maybe some advice to help me emotionally work through this… anything…

If you’ve made it through this post, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my (not so short) short story.

(Pic added of my beautiful little man because I absolutely adore him and had to share!)