Hi, I’ll try keep this as short as I can. I am 40 years old, I have 3 beautiful young children and have had 2 ectopics. Whilst we hadn’t fully discussed it after baby #3, I was blessed to fall pregnant again a few months ago however unfortunately it was another early ectopic. When my husband found out I was pregnant he was surprisingly incredibly supportive, and seemed really happy. I was more the shocked one given my age and I only have 1 fallopian tube. When I lost the pregnancy, he was fairly unsupportive however that’s quite normal based on previous experiences.

This led to some half hearted discussions around having another child and I made clear I absolutely would love to try for another although was very aware the chances were low. My husband then told me he didn’t. I was heartbroken. Almost as heartbroken as my pregnancy losses. It was confusing too as he seemed so happy when it unexpectedly happened. It almost made me think he was relived when I lost the pregnancy.

He then within a short space of time told me he did want to have another one. And we had unprotected sex twice that day as I was ovulating. I was also booked in to a obgyn which I was on the waitlist for following the pregnancy loss. I went to that appointment and was scheduled for a laparoscopy to check what was going on with my remaining tube, check my bowels as I’ve had some adhesions, and plan in case of future pregnancies as I require c sections. My husband was aware of this appointment and of course was aware of the surgery. I was delighted to learn my tube wasn’t blocked and the obgyn advised I could get pregnant through it.

It has been 4 days post surgery. My husband has now just told me he doesn’t want more children. That he doesn’t feel he ever got to talk about it. That he didn’t know the surgery and specialist related to fertility, and thought it was about my bowels. He only realised when I told him the Dr said my tube wasn’t blocked.

I am in a spin. Whilst heartbreaking that my husband doesn’t want more children, what is more devastating for me is that he told me he doesn’t then he does, then I have surgery and he tells me he doesn’t. In the meantime I have been thinking he too shared this hope and dream. I fully respect if he doesn’t want anymore, but he should have been honest with me. He says he couldn’t as he wanted to keep me happy as he knew I wanted another. That makes it worse. That’s awful. That’s like saying let’s get married because you want to but I don’t want to.

In the meantime I am living in this alternate world thinking we are both aligned, I am excited insside and putting myself at risk with surgery when I already have some risk with doing so. But apparently he didn’t know.

Is it me. Am I being unfair. Please be honest. Yes I know we clearly need better communication. Please be kind, I am in a world of sadness and heartache.