VENT/ADVICE...it's long y'all...

I will start out by saying don't judge me, but I understand it this is a love group, and I prefer honest opinions, but don't be upset if I don't respond. Im just processing. I don't need to hear the, " you had sex you knew this could happen... " Or " you lay down and it's possible that blah blah blah... " If that's what you're coming to say, please don't give me your opinion or advice. We all are aware of that. I found out yesterday that I am pregnant by one of the guys I've been seeing.

We were exclusively saying each other for some time, but once I realize how uncertain he was about the future of our relationship, I began seeing someone else about 4 weeks ago. The original guy always tells me he cares about me a lot more than I realize 😑... You know the spill... but he's not ready for a relationship because he got out of one in September.

Either way I decided that I would turn him into a cuddy buddy. Him being a cuddy buddy doesn't negate the fact that I actually do care about him as well, and if he was a horrible person I wouldn't even allow him to be my cuddy buddy. He's just selfish and unsure about what he wants, but we actually have fun together and have occasional sex, protected of course. If I'm being honest, I should have cut him off awhile ago when he didn't do anything for my 🎂. As I've continued dealing with him, I realize that he is not financially stable. He hasn't been hiding this, he's been pretty honest and I can read between the lines...he has 2 kids and he is a great dad.

The new guy and I do not have a sexual relationship. We go on a lot of dates, he's consistent for the most part. Calls in the evening and morning. He is financially stable, an airmen in the Air Force, and he knows exactly what he wants: three kids, a relationship that leads to marriage, and a wife. My issue with him is that even though he wants these things, he's a little militant with his son and it bothers me a little. It makes me wonder the type of father he will be. That's a long story that I'm not even going to tell but that's my biggest issue with him. The other issue I have with him is that, he believes in a "go with the flow," mentality and the reason I know this is because he told me I was being vague about being open with him. Primarily because he has been so open with me and transparent about his past, and I didn't do the same in return, mainly because he doesn't shut up long enough for me to tell him anything, lol. I love that he's talkative, but at the same time he doesn't give me opportunity to let him in.

When I finally did let him in, he literally has not said anything about my feelings. If I'm being 100% honest with myself I feel like I should cut both of situations off.

The Pregnancy: I'm going to be honest-I always said that if I got pregnant, I'd go straight to THOSE people. Condom broke and it's still a miracle as to how the heck it happened. I didn't even ovulate until 4 days after it happened ( yeah I know sperm can live in the body up to 5 days but damn! ). Please don't say anything about birth control because I don't use birth control because when I did for many years I got pre cancerous cells on my cervix at a young age 20 and I vowed I'd never used that mess again. I track my cycle which is how I know when I ovulated. Well, I am at the tender age of 36 and I had a really rough pregnancy with my daughter, and three miscarriages before I had her. So there's this part of me that feels like I should keep this baby despite the terrible baby daddy. Am I crazy? I just know I've had all these issues with my body and right now I'm the healthiest I've ever been (physically and mentally) I just can't see myself having a kid at 40 even if my husband does come along then. I know people have babies in that late but I don't know maybe I'm just hormonal.