I am several days past ovulation and waiting to see what happens next after several chemical pregnancies. I’m seeing so many difficult journeys posted by my fellow 40-somethings, some of whom have been trying for years—so I appreciate that we are not immune from struggle and may have a long journey ahead.

I feel lucky to have gotten pregnant several times, but furious that we cannot seem to make it stick.

I am so sad to realize that this time of waiting and eventually testing will be filled with dread this time rather than excitement, even if we are positive. I want to feel free to imagine all the wonderful things that we want from growing our family, but I worry I won’t be able to. I am still secretly delighted with any slight symptom of pregnancy but also filled with dread that it may slowly disappear.

I know these feelings may be familiar to some but they feel so awful and hard to adjust to. Putting it out there in case anyone else is feeling similarly mixed up.