Hi all.

I have done a lot of thinking and been through a lot. When I made my first post I told me and my wife's story. I tried for a baby for YEARS! We both had issues with our fertility and both had to get surgeries. When we finally got pregnant and had our son my wife passed away due to a doctor's negligence. She believed my wife possibly had a blood clot but still sent her home and we were back in the hospital within 48 hours and died. The lawsuit is over. We settled on 200k. I was going to put our son up for adoption because I didn't feel like I was doing a good job. He was in daycare at 4 weeks old. I had to travel an hour away to get breast milk from a woman that overproduced and I actually busted a few of the bags. I felt like he deserved better and I was going to go through with it. I had a family and everything.

My brother told me one of his coworkers is gay and has a husband and they have two kids and want another. I met them and completely planned on going through with it but it was actually the possible adoptive couple that talked me out of it. He and his husband both said if I truly didn't want my son they would be happy to adopt him but feel like I don't actually want to give him away and I'm just depressed and grieving. They told me I'm not a bad dad and that their two adoptive kids were adopted from the foster system and the things their parents did to them was despicable. They gave me hope and a number to a place that offers therapy services on a sliding scale. We are actually all friends now.

I did decide to switch to formula. It was just easier. And put a large chunk of the settlement away for his college fund. He's 4 months now and I'm seeing a therapist and on some antidepressants. I think it was easier to keep him knowing I had them both who would adopt him if I couldn't handle it but now I don't think I can live without my boy. I never imagined being a single dad. I know I want to raise him to be emotionally intelligent and happy and continue my wife's memory.

You all were right. My son and I need each other. I'm trying to figure this out one day at a time. Thanks for all the advice and support.